Child: Mom, do you ever feel like you’re just repeating what Grandma did?
Mother: Sometimes. I catch myself saying things she used to say, doing things the way she did… even the things I swore I never would.
Child: Like when you get really quiet when you’re upset?
Mother: Yes. She did that too. I guess it’s hard to unlearn what we grow up with.
Child: Does that mean I’ll be like you?
Mother: Maybe. Maybe not.Â
Child: But what if I am?
From the way we speak to the way we handle challenges, much of our behavior mirrors how our parents would act in our situation. Whether we embrace or resist their influence, our identities are undeniably shaped by the generations before us.
Parents play a crucial role in a child’s development. From an early age, we absorb their attitudes, their ways of handling emotions, and their expressions of love toward us. This reflection manifests in various aspects of life, from personal habits to the decision-making process.
When we are young, we depend on our parents entirely. The decisions they believe are best for us often become the final verdict. However, as children, we lack the ability to distinguish between right and wrong. This may seem surprising, but our naivety sometimes leads us to question our current relationship with our parents.
As we grow older, our identities take shape, and we begin to understand our purpose. Life becomes a series of responsibilities, from daily chores to managing our own challenges. Amid all of this, the household plays the most significant role in shaping who we become. A child is like a blank slate, absorbing everything that happens in their environment and quickly adapting to it. Ironically, children often follow in their elders’ footsteps or adopt their habits without considering whether they are good or bad.
Parents’ influence goes beyond the visible traits to emotional and mental well—being. Their love towards us or the other family members shows a child their emotional ability. If a parent struggles with unprocessed emotions or trauma, their children may unconsciously adopt similar struggles.Â
Most kids haven’t seen their parents hug, kiss, or show affection, but they have seen the ugly side. They have witnessed deep emotional wounds and harsh words exchanged, as if acting this way around their child were normal. The child is not at fault for what they learn, how they interpret it, and how they handle situations when forced to face them. To some extent, parents themselves may also have been deprived of love from their own families.As a result, they struggle to express emotions to their children.
These unprocessed emotions often lead to ugly disagreements with parents. To them, your point is invalid; they force their perspective onto their children. There is a thin line between perception and perspective, but when parents are asked to understand their child’s logic, they see it as being too bold or defiant. The gaslighting at times distorts children’s reality, making them question their sanity. And when parents refuse to take accountability, it feels the children are stuck in an endless cycle of invalidation.
Break Free: It’s your life
While parental influence is quite strong in a child’s life. It is important for an individual to understand they are not bound to it. Children need to understand that their reality is real, so is their hurt—whether they acknowledge it or not.Â
Once we recognize how deeply our parents’ patterns affect us, we can begin the process of breaking free. Here’s how:
If they avoid resolving conflicts, we might find ourselves repeating the same passive behavior in our relationships. Self-awareness is the key. Once you start noticing patterns, you will either follow the habits you’ve set for yourself or consciously work to change them.
Start challenging yourself and your beliefs. Try to stand up for yourself—not in an aggressive way where you express anger toward your parents, but by asserting your point while also understanding their perspective.
Awareness alone isn’t enough—you need to take action. Consider the emotions your parents may have struggled to express. Perhaps they lacked vulnerability or dismissed your tears during arguments as unimportant. In your relationships, practice being open and vulnerable. If others don’t understand your emotions, take calculated risks that align with your personal growth.
The ongoing cycle of unresolved childhood trauma often stems from deeper issues beyond relationships, such as self-esteem. When a strict parent disciplines a child harshly, that child may later treat their own emotions with the same severity. They might internalize self-criticism or behave oddly around others without fully understanding their own intentions. Work on healing your inner child.
Breaking free from our parents’ reflection isn’t about rejecting them–it’s about consciously choosing which part of them to keep influence and which to let go. Just as our parents have our best interests at heart, we should also start taking care of ourselves. By understanding, challenging, and rewriting our inherited narratives, we can truly create a life that reflects who we are, rather than simply repeating inherited patterns.
