“Growing up” is a simple word for falling apart and putting your pieces together in a new way.
For most of my life, I was scared of growing up. It felt so scary to even think about my future or the people I would meet. I always had so many questions in my anxiety-ridden mind. What if my future disappoints me? What if I fail? What if I meet someone who’s not good for me? What if I turn into someone I hate? What if I never feel like I fit in? What if people continue to hate me? These questions and this intense fear led me to eventually stop having dreams which went beyond the age of 16. Now when I look back at it, I hold nothing but guilt and apologies for being so hard on a child, for making her feel like she was never going to be enough and for making her feel like she had to achieve a certain something to feel happy or to feel like she deserves to live.Â
Dear Younger me,
I’m so sorry for being so hard on you. I wish I could enjoy your life to the fullest and focus on making memories rather than being more organised or planned. I wish I could let your spirit flow freely with changes of wind rather than holding it down to avoid any mistake. I wish I had let you know that you will find people who will love you regardless of what you look like or how well you perform. One thing I can assure you is that it all works out in the end. You sure do learn lessons the hard way and lose a lot in the process of becoming a version of yourself that you love and adore from the inside out. Even when you get stuck in the thunderstorms of your thoughts and get struck by the lightning of your sadness, a ray of sunshine will always hit you and you will be able to stand tall and smile. All those people whose voices echoed and haunted your thoughts throughout the day will one day never even matter. You will make it out of places and people that you never felt right in. Sure, growing up feels scary but it would allow you to spread your wings in ways that you could never even imagine, eventually you would become your best friend and all the love that you had been pouring out in the world would come back to you. All the fears that you held, all the feelings that you felt would lead you to becoming the current version of yourself You never deserved to hate yourself, you deserved all the sunshine in the world to fall right on your face, and have the best friends by your side. Sure, nothing or no one in your life would be constant but you would learn your lesson that the only person who you need by your side and the only voice that matters is your own. All the ghosts that once haunted your mirrors would disappear and fade into an orb of love and light. You would find what you love and pour your heart into it, you find passions that keep you going and people that make you laugh endlessly, you would go to places that would alter the way you dream, you would eat food that and no more feel guilty about it, you would make memories worth remembering and greatest of all, you would find your true self in the process of shedding your old skin and growing up. When you do so, each little thing will make sense and will be worth it. You will eventually put out the blazing fires of chaos to choose the warmth of peace and appreciate living a life you love.Â
I understand you’ve always feared the unpredictability of the future, but in time, you will come to appreciate life’s uncertainty. The beauty of life lies in its unpredictability; you never know what lies ahead, yet you always possess the ability to shape it.Â
Sometimes, fate would intervene, and you would be hurt by people or situations that you never expected would turn against you. However, you’d heal and shine even brighter each time. You will dance your heart out and pour your heart into poems you love reading. Eventually, you’ll turn your life into poetry—one that flows effortlessly.
“’Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned
Everything you lose is a step you take
So make the friendship bracelets, take the moment and taste it
You’ve got no reason to be afraid”
Taylor Swift, Midnights Album, 2022
Every day in the hustle of doing our best, we forget to look back and appreciate how far we’ve come and how much we’ve grown. We forget to thank ourselves for making life worth living and for shining in moments of darkness. To be grateful is one of the best privileges we have. Be grateful to your younger self, who made it out of moments that once felt intimidating and scary and for breaking free of fears, people and habits that were no longer good for you.
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