Don’t get thrown off by Lara Jean and Peter on the cover—real life isn’t a perfectly scripted Netflix rom-com where emotional unavailability is just a quirky personality trait and red flags magically turn into heartfelt confessions. In the movies, a guy ignoring your texts for days means he’s secretly writing you love letters. In reality, it means he’s just ignoring your texts. Out here in the wild, ignoring obvious warning signs doesn’t lead to a grand romantic gesture—it leads to a dramatic group chat intervention, a situationship you can’t escape, and an eventual breakdown where you realize love might be blind, but your friends definitely saw it coming.
We’ve all been there. Maybe it was that friend who swore her boyfriend wasn’t toxic, he was just “passionate” (even though he checked her location more than Google Maps). Or the guy who justified staying in a walking disaster of a relationship because “she has a lot of potential” (sir, she is a girlfriend, not a startup). Or—if we’re being honest—maybe it was you, squinting so hard at the red flags they started looking orange. Love has a way of making us all selectively blind, the same way we scroll past the terms and conditions without actually reading them.
So, no, this isn’t some wise, thoughtful guide on healthy relationships. This is a tribute to all of us who have willingly walked into dating disasters like it’s an Olympic sport. Because if there’s one thing humans do better than falling in love, it’s ignoring every single sign that screams, “RUN.”
Red Flags? More Like Relationship Decor!
Red flags—the universal warning signs we swear we’ll never ignore, right up until we’re deep in a situationship, Googling “he’s just busy vs. signs he’s emotionally unavailable.” Love has a way of making us delusional, turning obvious deal-breakers into quirky personality traits. Suddenly, “He has a mysterious past” sounds romantic instead of what it actually means: He has an arrest record, bestie. “She’s just passionate!” No, she’s just thrown a plate at you—twice. And “He doesn’t like labels” isn’t some deep, philosophical stance on individuality—it’s because he’s dating three other people and keeping his options open like a Netflix watchlist.
If toxic relationships were houses, red flags would be the wallpaper, and for some reason, we’d call it “aesthetic.” We collect them like limited-edition relationship décor—turning our personal lives into a gallery of bad decisions, proudly displaying every ignored warning sign like it’s part of some exclusive dating starter pack. And the worst part? We know we’re doing it. But hey, what’s love without a little bit of self-inflicted chaos?
TOXICITY WRAPPED IN ROMANCE TROPES
If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that glaring relationship issues are just misunderstood love stories waiting to happen. Pop culture has been selling us toxicity wrapped in romance for years, convincing us that if you suffer enough, you’ll eventually unlock the grand gesture. But in reality, all you unlock is emotional damage and a playlist full of sad songs.
The ‘Bad Boy with a Heart of Gold’ Myth
Translation: He’s emotionally unavailable, communicates exclusively through smirks, and will never text back, but somehow, we think he’s secretly just misunderstood.
Reality check? He isn’t misunderstood. He just doesn’t care. There’s no tragic backstory that will suddenly make him emotionally available—he’s just bad at relationships. And yet, thanks to decades of brooding male leads, we convince ourselves that our emotionally stunted boyfriend is just one heartfelt conversation away from changing. Spoiler: he isn’t.
The ‘She’s Just Passionate’ Lie
Of course , controlling behaviour disguised as intensity. The type that starts with “I just love hard” and ends with your texts being monitored like a government surveillance program. Love should not feel like an extreme sport, where every disagreement turns into the emotional Olympics. If she’s throwing your phone across the room because you liked someone’s post in 2017, that’s not passion—that’s a problem.
The ‘We Have Intense Chemistry’ Excuse
You mean you fight like you’re on Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Fireworks are great for New Year’s Eve, not your everyday relationship dynamic. If every interaction feels like a high-stakes battle, you’re not soulmates—you’re exhausted. Drama might make for great TV, but in real life, it just leads to blocked numbers and long-winded apology texts that start with “I didn’t mean it, babe.”
At some point, we need to ask ourselves: is this love, or have we just been conditioned to mistake stress for passion?
The ‘But’ Syndrome
If dating disasters were a college degree, most of us would have a PhD in Making Excuses 101. We become professional mental gymnasts, flipping and twisting reality until even the most obvious red flags start looking like minor inconveniences. Enter: The ‘But’ Syndrome—the art of justifying bad behavior like it’s a tricky math problem instead of the blaring siren it actually is.
- “He never remembers my birthday… but he’s really good at video games.” (Fantastic! Maybe one day, he’ll level up to remembering you exist.)
- “She openly flirts with my friends… but she’s hot.” (So is the sun, and we still avoid direct contact.)
- “They drain my emotional energy… but they have nice hair.” (News flash: emotional stability > good shampoo.)
- “He disappears for days with no explanation… but when he’s around, he’s so sweet!” (Right, because emotional inconsistency is totally the foundation of a healthy relationship.)
- “She blocks me whenever she’s mad… but that’s just her way of processing!” (That’s not processing, that’s just digital ghosting with extra steps.)
We justify toxicity like it’s a complicated math problem we’re trying to solve:
(red flag) + (one semi-decent trait) = true love.
Spoiler: it doesn’t add up.
But here’s the thing—if the only way you can defend your relationship is by tacking on a “but” at the end of every sentence, you might want to remove the but—and them—from your life. Because love isn’t about making excuses for someone’s worst traits; it’s about finding someone who doesn’t require a mental gymnastics routine just to justify staying.
The Fantasy vs. Reality Trap
The Fantasy vs. Reality trap—the place where logic goes to die, and blind optimism thrives. We tell ourselves elaborate fairy tales, complete with character development arcs that don’t exist and redemption stories that will never happen. It’s the kind of delusion that keeps therapists in business and group chats entertained.
Fantasy: He’s just emotionally unavailable for now.
Reality: You’re waiting for a software update that’s never coming.
We convince ourselves that he’s just in “beta testing” mode, that one day he’ll suddenly wake up and realize he can communicate feelings like a functional adult. Hate to break it to you, but you’re not dating an app—there’s no patch fix, no automatic upgrade, and no magical moment where he finally decides to care. If he’s been emotionally unavailable since day one, he’s not a work-in-progress; he’s the finished product. And that product? Defective.
Fantasy: She’ll change once we’re serious.
Reality: She’s serious about never changing.
We tell ourselves that once we move in together, once we get engaged, once X, Y, Z happens, they’ll magically become a better partner. Newsflash: people don’t suddenly transform just because you slapped a label on the relationship. If she’s treating you like an afterthought now, marriage, commitment, or a dramatic airport confession won’t fix it. She’s not waiting to change; she’s choosing not to.
Fantasy: I can fix them!
Reality: You’re not their therapist; you’re just unpaid emotional labor.
The “I can fix them” delusion is the backbone of so many doomed relationships. We take on the role of emotional repair technicians, pouring time, energy, and late-night pep talks into someone who never actually asked to be fixed. If someone truly wants to change, they’ll do it themselves—you shouldn’t have to project manage their personal growth. Love isn’t a charity project, and you’re not an intern working for exposure.
At some point, we need to stop romanticizing these fantasies and start accepting reality: some people aren’t meant to be “fixed” or “waited for.” They’re just a walking lesson in what not to date.
Universal Red Flags We Treat as Personality Traits
The art of romanticizing red flags—something we all seem to be naturally gifted at. We don’t see warning signs; we see character depth. Instead of acknowledging someone’s glaring emotional unavailability, we frame it like they’re a tortured protagonist in an indie film. But let’s be real: some things aren’t quirks, they’re giant red banners that say RUN.
“He has commitment issues.”
Reality: No, he’s just committed to keeping his options open.
We say “He’s just afraid of getting hurt,” but somehow, he’s not afraid of hurting you by stringing you along like a WiFi signal in a basement—there, but never quite strong enough to be reliable. He’ll say he “just needs time” but will have no issue speed-running commitment with someone else when the mood strikes. If a man tells you he has commitment issues, take his word for it. He’s not giving you a challenge to overcome; he’s giving you a warning.
“She’s mysterious.”
Reality: Or maybe she’s just lying to you.
She doesn’t tell you where she’s been, her stories don’t quite add up, and you’re convinced she’s just a deep and enigmatic soul. Spoiler alert: there’s a fine line between mystery and deception. If every answer she gives sounds like a cryptic riddle, you’re not dating a femme fatale—you’re just being kept in the dark on purpose. There’s a difference between intriguing and actively withholding information, and if your relationship feels like an escape room, maybe it’s time to escape.
“He has mommy issues.”
Reality: Cool. Are you dating him or adopting him?
If he blames all his problems on his mother, throws tantrums when things don’t go his way, and expects you to be his personal emotional caretaker, congratulations—you’re now his unpaid therapist, life coach, and substitute parent. Sure, everyone has baggage, but if his requires this much heavy lifting, you might want to check if you’re in a relationship or accidentally fostering a grown man.
At the end of the day, red flags don’t mean “try harder.” They mean “get out while you still have emotional energy left.” Some things aren’t personality traits—they’re just bad behavior we’ve convinced ourselves is normal.
Happily Ever After? More Like ‘Hope-fully Ever After’
There comes a moment in every love-struck-but-delusional person’s life when reality finally taps them on the shoulder and says, “Hey, bestie. We need to talk.” Maybe it’s when you realize that your “emotionally unavailable” boyfriend is actually just emotionally unavailable for you, but somehow manages to text his friends back within 0.3 seconds. Or when your “mysterious” girlfriend suddenly disappears for an entire weekend, only to return with an oddly specific excuse that sounds straight out of a Netflix thriller.
At first, you ignore the signs. Love makes you blind, right? But rent is due, the honeymoon phase is over, and suddenly, the red flags you ignored aren’t just cute little quirks—they’re full-blown relationship hazards. It hits you like a rom-com plot twist: “Wait a second… this isn’t a misunderstood soulmate. This is just a person who treats me like an optional side quest.”
But by this point, you’ve already emotionally invested. Worse, you’ve probably bought matching pajamas, made them a playlist, and convinced your friends that “this time, it’s different.” So now what? You either:
- Double down on the delusion (“Maybe they’ll change! Maybe if I just communicate better!” Spoiler: They won’t, and you already have.)
- Accept that you ignored the flashing warning signs and start planning your dramatic exit.
Because let’s be real—happily ever after isn’t just about finding love; it’s about finding the right kind of love. The kind that doesn’t require solving riddles, filing emotional tax returns, or pretending red flags are relationship décor.
So let’s make a pact: no more treating dating like an escape room where we ignore all the obvious clues. If something feels off, it probably is. If they’re waving red flags like they’re leading a parade, you’re not meant to be a spectator—you’re meant to walk away.