Note: This is satire.
Due to the mounting outrage following the school shooting that occurred last week in Parkland, Florida, National Rifle Association representatives along with executive vice president, Wayne LaPierre have finally decided to take concrete action by giving the murder weapon a “stern talking to.”
National Rifle Association representatives stated that they were “shocked” and “unnerved” that the assault rifle could have been responsible for the passing of 17 high school students. The AR-15 assault rifle replied, saying that it was “very sorry” and would promise to “be on it’s best behavior” following the incident. The National Rifle Association would like to emphasize the fact that the AR-15 rifle came from a broken home, where it experienced abuse at the hands of parents, rejection from peers, and was turned down by several girls despite being “a nice guy.”
Following intensive therapy, the rifle hopes that “a little school shooting” won’t interfere with its plans to go to attend Stanford on a swimming scholarship. The National Rifle Association reached out to their homies in the Senate, Richard Burr of North Carolina and Roy Blunt of Missouri, imploring them to send thoughts and prayers and support the 16 other assault weapons going through this tough time. At press time, Wayne LaPierre told reporters that “there are plenty of wonderful God fearing, American rifles in the universe, but this one just happened to murder people.”
We have been so pleased with the NRA’s initiative to actively respond to America’s 18th shooting of the year so far. Real change is happening in this wonderful, God fearing nation. Go USA!