What’s cracking, fellow zombuffs!
I come to you once again, at the start of this beautiful new year, bringing many dreadfully appetizing zombie movies your way! To those readers who have been following along with my journey since last year: welcome back, my sinister sweethearts! And, to those of you just joining– prepare to submerge yourself in weekly recaps of my harrowing journey watching every zombie movie ever! This will take me years! Now buckle in, keep your arms, legs, and brains inside the article at all times, and feast your eyes on five new additions to the list of zombie flicks seen and reviewed by yours truly!
For those who are new to the series, I have, against my better judgment, committed to watching every zombie movie ever, and you lucky folks get to join me for the ride!
Each review will include my personal rating, a bit about how effective I think the movie is as a zombie film, a bit about the zombies themselves, and occasionally a few fun facts. Reviews will also include the zombie type (where they originate from), class (features/how survivable they are), and spread (self-explanatory).
Beware: may contain spoilers.
1- Zombeavers, 2014 (3/5 brains)
Zombeavers is …actually pretty good. I was really surprised. The practical effects look decent, the acting isn’t half bad, and the plot had me surprisingly entertained. All in all, a solid zombie movie. The dialogue between the male friends was pretty accurate– so much so that it actually got a giggle out of me from time to time. The zombeavers themselves– the zombie beavers, that is– manage to be a fairly frightening threat. Especially since they can fit in water pipes. Rabid animals are already scary, but zombie animals take viciousness to a whole new level.
Now, for the scene I wish to forget. Killing dogs is an UNFORGIVABLE sin; kill that guy with hammers immediately. To the “If it’s down to us or the dog, I choose the dog every time” asshole: I’ll push you in the water first! God, I hate him. That dog treated women wayyy better than you do. Also, the blond guy was the true shining star of this movie.
Type: Infected, Class: Beavers, Spread: Bite, scratch, nuclear waste
2- Zoombies, 2016 (1.5/5 brains)
There was a good idea here, at some point. I think. I hope. Zombie animals? Yeah, that could be gnarly. The execution in this case, however, is simply not good. There was a good mix of CGI and practical effects for the zombies, but the practical effects look SO much better, it’s not even funny. It makes you wonder why they didn’t just get rid of the CGI for the gore and stick to just doing it for animals instead. This is technically the prologue to Aquarium of the Dead, if that gives you any more insight into how bad the CGI was. Outside of visuals, the writing and dialogue were pretty bad. I’m not sure I followed the plot 100%. Some character arcs are unfinished or end suddenly, and things are introduced but don’t mean anything. A way better movie would be if Kifo protected the little girl from all the zombies, like a zombie guardian. That would go so hard! I’m still waiting for a movie with a zombie bodyguard.
Type: Infected, Class: Animals, Spread: Vaccine, bite
3- Night of the zoopocalypse, 2024 (4/5 brains)
Now, here is a satisfactory movie about zombies in a zoo. Someone put LOVE into the way the animals move as zombies, and the character design is unlike any other zombie movie I’ve seen. Waiting to see what animals turn into is so exciting and drives the movie forward around any speedbumps the writing may have. The side plots surrounding the relationships of the side characters may be a little annoying, and I didn’t really care about the side characters. I also kinda hated the whole movie meta side tangent– it was too incessant. I GET it. I’ve seen other movies, y’know. Otherwise– really good. None of the animals even actually die! And it’s child-friendly! I would really encourage you to give this one a watch. Maybe put it on in the background while you’re playing Minecraft or something. The love that should have gone into Zoombies is clear as day in this movie.
Type: Infected, Class: Gummy? Animals, Spread: Bite, being eaten whole and spit back up
4- Pet Sematary, 2019 (Yes, I know I will get around to watching the original eventually) (3/5 brains)
Before writing this review, I have to admit that I saw this a little while ago and don’t remember much. I also don’t have knowledge about the original to compare it to. My apologies to the purists! I also am not a fan of Steven King, like at all. Lastly, I cheated a little bit with this one– the “zombie” in this movie does not really line up with my own personal definition of what a zombie is. To clarify, there is no hard and fast, universal definition of what a zombie actually is, but I like to define it as an undead being, human or otherwise, intent on spreading something (whether that be death or whatever virus turns people into zombies varies between media). For the sake of my own well-being, Frankenstein-type monsters are NOT included in this definition. In any case, this girl died, and now she’s back, and she’s attacking things…so on the list it goes. Keep these things in mind while reading the following review.
Firstly, I think zombies that have more awareness than the average slow, crawling, mindless brain-munching undead are so, so creepy. Like– that’s definitely a little girl, but there’s something wrong with her. Part of the reason I think that’s so eerie is because it’s easy to justify killing something that can’t think anymore, even if it’s a child, but knowing that the zombie in this movie has the capacity to feel, even if the only thing it does feel is hatred, gives you pause and makes you sympathize with the fact they aren’t immediately taking her behind the shed and putting one in the back of her skull. Like, yeah, I get it. Not only does she look like your daughter, but maybe there’s some part of her still left. Even if there isn’t, this creature still has the ability to mimic something capable of love. Now that is a chilling idea. (Additionally. As someone who knows firsthand the pain of an Achilles injury. Oh. My. God. YEOWCH!!!)
Type: Necromancy, Class: Sapient, Spread: Being buried in a specific plot of land
5- Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, 2006 (ZERO brains. Not even one synapse.)
That was so. so f*****g bad. I can’t in good faith recommend that to anyone. I can’t even recommend it in bad faith. I hate musicals. I need to immerse myself in the most woke discourse ever to heal from how insanely offensive that movie was. I’m not even, like, personally offended. I’m just numb now. I really don’t like showtunes. I did not know this was going to be a musical until they started singing the SECOND song. I want my two hours back. Why am I putting myself through this.
Practical effects were pretty sick, though.
Type: Infection, Class: Chicken, Spread: Chicken…
Well, that’s it. I hate to leave you on such a low note, but I really did not want to think about that movie at all after it ended. Genuinely, it might be the worst one I’ve covered yet. The only upside to this is that it means that every zombie movie I watch from here on out will undoubtedly be at least ten times better just as a baseline! … Anyway, I’m going to go and take a nice, cleansing bath and watch something soothing. Like Hereditary. Yeah, that sounds nice. See y’all ghastly goobers next week.