Above is a picture of me and my boyfriend, Chansol. I’d just met my boyfriend’s family for the first time, and I was staying with them for a small part of my winter break. As I’m writing this, I’m also rejoicing over making it to the 10-month milestone in our relationship, even as I brace myself for the years of long distance to come.
Chansol is finishing up his last year of high school in Shanghai, and I attend college in Massachusetts. He likely won’t go to university anywhere near me. The decision to be together wasn’t made easily, but I stand by it. 10 months seems so long, especially since we’ve only seen each other twice, but it’s also flown by. And I’m happy to say the pain of the distance is worth getting to be with a person I love so much, who’s such a good fit for me and who treats me well, never failing to make me smile. So I’m pretty confident in my ability to make an LDR work, at least for a while. Here’s my advice on how to not only survive in a long-distance relationship, but succeed and thrive.
1. Set a regular minimum time for communication.
It’s not a good idea to be too rigid. For example, demanding your significant other text you back the minute you text them is a bit much. But you should also have some regular time set aside to talk, as a constant to lean on so even when you’re busy you have the comfort of knowing you have time to talk to them. This is especially important if you live in different time zones. Chansol and I call at least once a week, 10 p.m. on Fridays my time, and if we can’t make it, then we reschedule ASAP. Even if we’ve had a particularly busy week and can’t talk much, I know that at the end I’ll get to talk to him.
2. Be honest and straightforward with each other.
Yeah, yeah, communication is important in any relationship. But in a LDR, words are pretty much all you have. If you’re angry at your significant other, you have to tell them that, because they likely can’t pick up on cues like body language or tone, and ghosting isn’t a healthy way to express dissatisfaction with a partner. It can be hard at first, but honesty is key!
3. Use long-distance technology.
I use rabb.it to watch TV or movies alongside my boyfriend, and it’s been a lifesaver. We also use a Discord bot called Rythm to share music together! For chatting, we use either Facebook Messenger or WeChat (a Chinese social media app), both of which feature voice and video calling functions.
4. Remember to give each other space.
You both have your own separate lives, and while you’ll spend a lot of time wishing they weren’t so separate, it’s still important to do things besides talk to your significant other. Trust them when they’re away from you, and don’t stress about potential infidelity (unless you actually have evidence that it’s happening). It also makes for better conversation when you’re together, because you’ll be able to talk about what you’ve been up to. Respect your significant other’s individuality, and expect the same in return.
Above all, if you really don’t think you can do it, then don’t. I wasn’t 100% confident I wanted to be in an LDR, but I’m glad I was willing to give it a shot. However, you shouldn’t feel pressured to be in one, even if you do really like someone. There’s more to a relationship than just love. Compatibility, trust, commitment, and diverging futures are all things to consider. If you don’t want an LDR, that’s fine, and it doesn’t make you any less romantically capable.
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