The beginning of a semester can be hopeful, nerve racking, joyous, daunting – take your pick. For some, it can be another 5 months of scarfing down meals between classes. For others, it can be another chance to stay up late to write their paper, that’s due tomorrow. Yet, for all it’s another chance to navigate the crazy, sometimes stressful, and challenging journey called college. Fortunately, I have discovered, after long and arduous research and observation, the secrets to having the perfect semester and am fully prepared to disclose them to you now.
Secret One: Syllabi are Useless
A year of schooling here at Mount Holyoke has left me with the deepest impression that there is no use for a syllabus. I mean what can they tell you really: office hours, assignments, how to do well in the class – nah! You don’t need that stuff. Guessing and winging it are always the most effective and quickest way to get your work done. Really, it’s best to forget they even exist. While you’re forgetting, the next few secrets will show you how to use the time you probably would’ve wasted reading your syllabi.
Secret Two: Do Everything
Free time? What is free time but time merely waiting to be spent? So go ahead, sign up for every club. Make every time commitment possible. The benefits are endless. It will look good on your resume. Your inbox will always be flooded. You’ll never feel more exhausted in your life, which is great, because then the rest of life will seem like a breeze compared to your college experience.
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Secret Three: Get no sleep, drink no water, and live off of 14 bags of chips you can buy with one meal swipe at Blanch.
While you’re busy doing everything:  MUN, Chamber Singers, being a research assistant in a lab, taking five classes, and riding for the dressage team, you’re going to find ways to save time. For starters, get no sleep. Sleep just takes up the 3 – 9 hours you could’ve spent writing your paper or finishing your stats homework. Meals, as well, take up too much time. Stocking up on chips from Blanch will help provide you with quick, on-the-go nutrition, so you can keep your body barely-functioning wherever you are. Coffee you’ll need, but don’t bother drinking anything else, especially water. The Californians need it more than you do and besides the less water you drink, the less you’ll have to waste time using the restroom. Â
Secret Four: Watch All the YouTube
However, doing all that stuff undoubtedly will be stressful. YouTube is a panacea. Stressed about a quiz? Six hours of After Ever After and Chuck/Blair scenes will help you prepare for your Biology class. In fact, go crazy! Subscribe to Hulu and Netflix too! There was never a better time to binge on the Mindy Project and Friends. Trust me, you will never feel more relaxed than when you look up from your computer screen and realize 6 and 2/7ths of an hours have gone by.
Secret Five: Don’t Associate with Anyone
We’ve already gone over ways to save time, but this is the most important one. The time you give to the things that are important to you should be protected. Therefore, hanging out with friends really shouldn’t happen. You’re at school; you’re not here to make life-long friends or anything like that. Of course you’ll see people in class and doing all your marvelous activities, but it really isn’t necessary to get to know them anymore than that. It’s not like having friends will reduce stress, or provide anything positive, or help you through life at all.
All this was to say that your time is valuable. You are valuable. Trying to balance all the demands of life can be a huge task. Crafting the life you want to live is hard, and there are many factors that lead to a full and happy life (whatever that means to you.) Hopefully, these five secrets helped you start to see a way in which you can have an amazing semester.Â
Best Wishes and Good Luck!Â
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