Sometimes, stereotypes exist for a reason. And the stereotype of “psycho ex-girlfriend” too often proves itself to be true. Yes, every girl has been in a relationship (or convinced herself she was in a relationship) with a guy who just doesn’t deserve her, and when that relationship inevitably ended, some of those girls have completely lost their sanity and done things no one should ever do. My point? You don’t want to be that nutjob. Not only will it reaffirm your ex’s decision to break up with you, becoming a crazy b*tch ex-girlfriend will make you hate yourself. And the only person you should be hating is the guy who put you in that position.
To give you some guidelines of what NOT to do, here are 5 popular songs that you’ve no doubt encountered that perfectly exemplify what it means to be a psychotic ex-girlfriend and all the things you definitely don’t want to do.
Alanis Morissette – You Oughta Know
Alanis is the queen of psycho ex-girlfriends. She knows how to scare the living daylights out of a guy, and somehow, she’s managed to put all that and more into a song. It’s actually amazing how much territory Alanis covers with this one song. She begins by asking “is she perverted like me, will she go down on you in a theatre?” This a bold move to make right off the bat, and I need to give her props for that. But really, Alanis – reminding a guy of how freaky you are isn’t the way to go about getting him back. It’s just another reminder of how crazy you are. Same goes for “does she know how you told me you’d love me until you died […] but you’re still alive!” You can remind this guy of his promise all you want – he isn’t coming back. In fact, he’s probably filing a restraining order right now, in fear that someday he actually can feel your nails scratching down his back. One thing is for sure though; you’ve guaranteed that he isn’t regretting the decision to break up with you.
Carrie Underwood – Before He Cheats
Carrie, Carrie, Carrie. The first time I saw you on American Idol, I thought you were a sweet little southern girl who went to church three times a week and wore a purity ring. Now here you are, swinging a baseball bat at your sleazy boyfriend’s headlights. Funny how things change, isn’t it? As happy as I am that you toughened up a bit (I’m all about strong, empowered women) I don’t think destroying your boyfriend’s expensive car is the best way to assert yourself in the relationship. First of all, if he’s cheating on you, move on. He is so not worth your time. Second, you are a total hottie, especially in that video. You can do better, I promise. Third, carving your name into his leather seats is just scary, and really reminds me of the movie Carrie, which is not an association I would want to make. That’s how crazy that is. Slashing his tires and keying his car isn’t going to make him realize that he made a huge mistake by cheating on you. And signing your handiwork by carving your name in the seat is a great way to guarantee you pay for the damages. Nice going, crazy. How about next time you just punch him in the face, dump his sorry ass, and call it a day?
Kelly Clarkson – Never Again
Apparently Idol chicks are slightly unhinged, but I guess most people on reality TV are. Like Carrie, Kelly Clarkson got left for another woman, and she seems to be handling it just as badly. For those of you who are wondering what exactly is happening in this creepy, stalker-ish music video, here’s the deal: Kelly’s character’s boyfriend attempts to drown her before he goes to meet his new girlfriend at the airport. But he’s haunted by his guilty conscience and all the memories of her. Okay, I’m just going to be blunt – this is really
overdramatic, Kelly. We all know you’re singing about a break-up you dealt with, and I really think you’re taking it a bit too far. Also, it’s really creepy how you keep popping up in places, like the backseat of his car, the men’s bathroom, the security checkpoint… can you say “stalker”? This is every guy’s worst nightmare when it comes to crazy exes. Obviously he was a huge jerk and since you’re comparing the end of your relationship to him trying to kill you, I’m going to take a guess and say he hurt you pretty badly. If this isindeed the case, why the heck are you spending all your time haunting him and obsessing? Who cares if he’s with some other girl? Good riddance to him, and good luck to her! Go find someone who’s into your faux-rock chick look and be happy!
Miranda Lambert – Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Let me paint you a little picture: a young woman is driving around town, checking all the parking lots of local bars, looking for the car and license plate belonging to her ex’s new girlfriend. When she eventually finds it (seriously, how long would that even take?) she goes in, gets a drink, and watches the new couple play pool, getting more and more angry. Finally, she starts throwing things and screaming in the guy’s face. Now let me ask you: does that sound like someone you want to date? No, it sounds like a stalker who might actually hunt you down and kill you. Oh, sorry, did I forget to mention the part where she says she has a pistol with her? Silly me. There isn’t much else I need to say here. Don’t be like Miranda Lambert. Besides the fact that this country song kind of sucks (you call that a rhyme scheme?), no girl in the world should ever consider it her anthem. If you do, the guy you’re chasing down will be filing a restraining order and changing his name before you can hum the first line.
Bruno Mars – Grenade
I know Bruno isn’t a chick, but for all the drama, whining, and crazy exaggerations in this song, he might as well be a heart-broken high school girl. Besides, his voice is high enough. My real problem with Bruno, though, and all the girls out there who “can totally relate to this song!” is that he completely fails to acknowledge the fact that a relationship takes two people to work and two people to fail. Yeah, ok, maybe she did take “all you had and thrown it in the trash,” but come on, are you sure you weren’t just a little too clingy? You didn’t completely smother this person? Because the imagery you’re using sure makes it sound like you did. Regardless of why the relationship ended, though, you clearly need to begin to let go. If this person is so terrible, why the heck would you catch a grenade for him/her? Let them catch it! Don’t take a bullet through the brain (why would that even be necessary?) And for heaven’s sake, don’t do what Bruno does in the video for this stupid song and lug a piano up a giant hill just to play it on train tracks for 5 seconds before you get run over by the rush-hour express. Being a crazy ex and ruining someone else’s life is annoying, yes. But being a crazy ex and ruining your own life is just unacceptable. Pull yourself together and move on to someone who will actually appreciate all your ridiculous, overly-dramatic (and weirdly violent) expressions of love.