Are you new to college? Or perhaps, new to Mount Holyoke, and all the professors at your old college flat-out refused to speak to you after class because “I can’t do this anymore, Janet, I just can’t?” (Can’t tell why–if you’re reading this, I feel it in my bones that you’re simply delightful.) Tired of having no one to write you a recommendation letter for that one program that asks for a letter from everyone you’ve ever spoken with in your whole life at the absolute last minute? Want things to be different this semester? Look no further than this satire* list to help you! I hereby promise you that if you follow all these steps and still come out of this semester without matching lip tattoos with your professors, I owe you my firstborn. Cross my heart, hope to die, hope I don’t have kids because I wanna keep ’em! Haha, you can’t find me. No, you can’t. Anyway, here are 17 things to absolutely, positively, definitely say at office hours this semester.
- I love your bald head
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It’s always good to start with a compliment! An insightful one helps too. They’ll definitely appreciate your observant nature.
- But actually, your bald head is way too shiny. Like, so shiny it blinds me at an angle every time you start lecturing, and I can’t take notes. That’s why I’m here. I have no idea what I’m supposed to be learning in your class.
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Honesty is the best policy. Professors want to get to know you and get inside your brain when their readings aren’t doing that for them!
- Why did you make eye contact with me when you started crying because everyone failed the midterm?
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This shows concern for your professor’s well-being. You value them outside of academics!
- I saw your wife at Thirsty Mind the other day. Good taste. Not saying who has the good taste in this marriage.
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You’re subtly sending out the vibe that you run in the same circles and have shared interests! Who doesn’t love a friendly student?
- Are you aware that I can’t read 842 pages a week when I’m taking 5 other classes? Just curious!
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Loving the pro-passive and pro-aggressive tone in this oration! The overloading of credits shows you’re responsible and capable, too.
- Can we get back to your baldness? I’ve been meaning to tell you how deeply I admire your hair’s way of flourishing everywhere else but your head. I didn’t know humans could do that.
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All professors could only dream of having a student with such a dynamic mind like yours!
- Would you consider adding more than 2 grades in this class? And while you’re at it, could you have the grades in before next year? If not, no worries!
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Asking a professor to kindly restructure the syllabus they’ve diligently worked on the whole summer, eight weeks into said semester can’t hurt!
- I have a pipe, though. Maybe there are worries.
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You speak your mind so wisely! Bringing awareness to your professor is underrated!
- Is your wife single yet?
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You’re openly curious about their life outside of the classroom, and the interaction isn’t transactional. A+ from me!
- I’m sorry I asked about your wife. I didn’t know that was inappropriate. Was that inappropriate?
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As people, sometimes we overstep. Your radical honesty and accountability definitely show here!
- No, I didn’t know you lived on 63 Elm Lane, so how could I have possibly borrowed your exact vintage Burberry vest that you purchased at the South Bank district of London on July 19, 1992?
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Details, details, details! Other students focus on the big picture, but details will get you (or break you) into everywhere, my friend!
- What do you mean that wasn’t your question?
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Asking for clarification is never wrong.
- Your wife and I have been making passionate love in her Jeep at the Gorse parking lot every Wednesday during your office hours. But this week, it was Tuesday, so I figured I’d kill some time and visit you! And kill your marriage too.
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Sometimes, we have schedule hang-ups! But you made the time to come to office hours, and showing how deeply you prioritize their class is important. Your tact is out of this world!
- I got the DNA test back. I’m your brother.
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Who doesn’t love a heartfelt family reunion? Anyone else getting The Summer I Turned Pretty vibes? Anyone? Anyone?
- Wait, am I even registered in this class?
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Hey dude, class registration times can be super confusing! Happens to the best of us. And believe me, you are the best of us!
- Wait, you’re the wrong professor?
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You remember faces, not names, am I right? Or is it names not faces…
- Haha, well. Same time next week?
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This shows initiative to further deepen your relationship with them, and after this office hours sesh, it definitely deepened!
Thanks for reading this list! I wish you all the best office hours ever this semester. They certainly will be if you follow this article. Specifically to a tee. Don’t leave anything out. Remember to not let them get any words in at all!
*This a satire article. Please do not actually do this. Or maybe, if you’re already friends with your professor, show them this list and have a laugh.