You have seen them here at MSU. They lurk around Sny-Phi in their modest floral dresses and ironically ugly sweaters. They go in and out of Kresge Art Center, adjusting their oversized, non-prescription glasses and woolen beanie hats, despite the fact that it is 75 degrees outside. What used to be a small subculture has been morphing like a giant, chain smoking super villain that’s moving to large cities and college campuses alike. It’s an epidemic that’s been silently sweeping the country, taking the indie-music-loving youth and turning their minds towards condescension and apathy. They are turning into the dreaded hipsters. The worst part is, this dangerous transformation could happen to any of your friends or loved ones if they are even remotely interested in progressive eating styles or underground folk music. Here are some warning signs one of your friends is going down the path that leads to Pabst Blue Ribbon.
The easiest way to identify a hipster is their style. Despite having a prescription for glasses or not, they will be wearing them. Usually, the glasses are extremely oversized to the point where they rival Steve Urkel’s or Elton John’s, which makes them look nerdy—but not like they’re trying too hard.
Flannel is a must for a hipster. If your friend is a guy, then he probably looks like a lumberjack, or is pretending to be a lumberjack to regain some form of masculinity. For a girl, the flannel must be ridiculously oversized. If they usually wear a small, and the flannel is an extra large, you’ve got a red flag. Typically this will be paired with super skinny jeans or leggings and combat boots. You may desire to join her in this look, because it is remarkably comfy, but resist the urge, or you could fall down the hipster spiral as well.
The last clothing items that your friend may be newly sporting are ironic t-shirts, sweaters, and anything else that seems the slightest bit witty. Her grandma was getting rid of old sweaters? Perfect. She may think that wearing a sweater with a knit kitten is hilarious, seeing as she hates cats, but most likely you don’t see the humor. Also, graphic tees with any obscure quotes or photos on them will do. When you ask where it’s from, just accept it when they say it was from the thrift store down the street and ignore the Urban Outfitters tag you saw in the trash. The argument isn’t worth the backlash.
To complete their hipster style, you’ve probably noticed your friend making dramatic changes to their hair. If it is a guy, and they have enough testosterone to grow even a patchy beard, it’s a must. They will soon discover that waxed mustaches and bushy beards are the coolest way to fend off girls. For the hipster girls, though, the biggest change they can make to set them apart from mainstream society is the pixie cut. If they can pull it off, it’s unique and great way for them to be mistaken as a boy.
Besides style, there are many lifestyle changes that are warning signs for hipster-dom. A change in eating habits can be the first glimpse at a downward spiral. Hipsters are either vegan, vegetarian, or eat only organic or locally grown crops. Why? Because they suddenly care so much about the animals they so proudly portray on their animal graphic tee. If your friend decides to eat only locally grown, then that’s because they’re suddenly committed to supporting their local economy. Although, you are allowed to laugh at this when they explain that to you with a Starbucks cup in their hand.
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Another change that will come over your friend is a newfound unnecessary love for the arts. Have they ever liked French films, photography, and poetry readings before? Well, they probably do now. Being interested in the arts that no one else cares about sets them apart from everyone else. No doubt, they will begin to love drinking Americanos on a hot summer day while listening to local poets and musicians at an open mic. Also, don’t be surprised with the increased amount of The Big Lebowski references, because in their mind, the Coen brothers just became gods.
One of the biggest indicators of just how hipster your friend is becoming, is their music taste. First they will begin talking about the staple hipster bands. The Smiths? She loves them. Radiohead? Thom Yorke is a god. At this point they might also take up a seemingly obscure instrument, like the banjo or ukulele.
You will know they have undergone full hipster transformation when they start discussing their favorite underground bands that you probably have never heard of. At this stage, Pitchfork Media has become the bible to them, and they will commonly list off the approved new bands that have gotten above the rating of an 8. The reason you don’t know about these bands is because only five other people on the earth do, so don’t get too down on yourself. Your friend will be so over them when they get more than 1,000 reblogs on Tumblr anyways.
There is one thing, though, that will be the deciding factor for whether or not your friend has completely switched over to the dark side. Up until this point, they could have just taken a sudden liking to cheap beer and scarves. They could have held a hidden love for coffee shops and acoustic jams. But it is the condescending and apathetic attitude that turns a regular old weirdo into a hipster. If they have adapted an attitude of contempt for anyone “mainstream”, you know the transformation is complete. You will begin notice that they don’t care about anything, or that they are at least trying really hard to seem like they don’t care about anything. If your friend has reached this point, there is no hope. You are now acquainted with a hipster.
What can you do to help, you ask? Well, there is not much that can be done, mostly because they will never admit to their hipster tendencies. In response to your accusations they will scoff, “I don’t subscribe to any label,” and continue smoking their imported cigarette. You can still be friends, but you will constantly be reminded of your inadequate music taste and uninspired view on art. Despite all this though, you can smile to yourself, because you know that after college you’ll leave with a job and they’ll graduate with a smoker’s cough, a vintage bike, and liberal arts degree that’s taking them straight to unemployment.