Have you ever attended a funeral for a distant relative or friend? You go to the visitation, pay your respects at the service, and attend the lunch-in afterwards. A couple hours pass by and you find yourself back home, going about the rest of your day. In this situation, we feel sad and sorry for the family closely affected by the loss. We can empathize with this family, but can’t comprehend the feeling, unless we have felt this same pain in life. Coronavirus related or not, many have lost a significant person in their life this past year. Understanding your feelings are valid and real is important while going through the stages of grief. The stages of grief are plotted in 5 categories, but recognize that this isn’t a linear progression.
- Stage 1: Denial
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The immediate loss of a loved one can be overwhelming and traumatic. The defensive mechanism of denial is commonly used to give us more time trying to comprehend the sudden loss. People often won’t believe in this change or pretend nothing has happened. Keeping occupied while pushing these thoughts to the back of your mind are also mechanisms of denial. Understand that these thoughts are normal. The loss you’re encountering can be so painful, that denying it is the only way to get through the day. At some point you will gradually move into the next stage. If you find yourself stuck in denial, reach out to support systems.
- Stage 2: Anger
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The emotion of anger is a very common masking effect to hide all other feelings. Anger often is directed at others, the person who has passed, or yourself. Not everyone experiences this stage, but those who do will have different encounters. Anger be shown through bitterness, lack of emotion, and other passive tools. It’s important to remember that although these feelings are valid, placing anger on others doesn’t fix the loss. Once you start facing your real emotions, anger will pass, and the next stage will begin.
- Stage 3: Bargaining
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The bargaining stage can be one of the most helpless and hurtful points throughout grieving. People experiencing grief will tend to overthink every situation. Common thoughts tend to be, “I should’ve spent more time with them,” or “If we would’ve went to the doctor sooner this wouldn’t have happened.” We look for answers to how the outcome could have been different. The stage is very difficult to overcome and sometimes lingers with us forever. Although, if we can reach a point of celebration towards the human, the bargaining stage is more bearable. Think back on the life you’ve spent with this person and all the good memories. Instead of asking yourself “should I have spent more time with them?,” Remind yourself of all the good times you did spend with them.
- Stage 4: Depression
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The stage of depression can often feel very lonesome and quiet. People reflect on the loss more than any other stage. Facing our emotions is important in this stage, although this can lead to a lack of interest in many areas of life. In this stage, it’s important to take care of our mental and physical health. Understand that your lack of interest in life will come back with time. We are trying to heal before we are ready to swing back into reality.
- Stage 5: Acceptance
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The acceptance stage doesn’t mean you have moved on from the loss, but have come to terms with it. We are not “happy” or nessacarily back to normal life, but can start creating healthier coping mechanisms. Such as reminiscing on times you spent with the person you lost, or doing something special in favor of them. Once you have reached this stage, many people feel different about life. Not everyday is good, but not everyday is bad either. In this stage, it’s important to not feel guilty for things.
Grieving is a very difficult and long process. Understand that these stages are not linear. People can transition back and forth through each of them. There is no “right” way to grieve, but take care of yourself throughout. Below are resources to help you understand loss and grief.