i find myself hoping i will start to understand
i wish that it came as easily to me as it does for them
they hear a few sentences or spend a week abroad
and suddenly, they are fluent upon the return
i find myself hoping my brain will heal faster
i wish i hadn’t fallen back in june
they heal much faster whatever they have
they’re broken bones, brains, and tummies all better now
i find myself hoping they will understand
i wish i could make them, but yet again, no
they don’t need this pain and anguish
they don’t deserve a broken personality and brain
i find myself without hope
i wish i could find some but it all is lost
they try and help search
they can’t find what’s never to be found
i find myself alone
i wish i could open
they try to peal back the layers, but
they can’t peal enough to get even half
i find myself without
i wish i hadn’t.
there is no more “they”
there is no more helping hands or hurting friends
I know I am alone.
I know I cannot heal.
Now all are gone, thriving with Them, and happy again.
They want to return to me and help me to safety.
I try to help myself, I swear I’m trying.
I try to do the work to heal my brain, I swear.
I swear, I try everything to make my memories stick.
I swear, I try to remember how to speak the phrases I learn in class.
I’m begging for my brain to work!
I’m begging for my memory back!
I’m begging for someone to help my brain go back!
I’m begging and begging and begging and begging
but…
They cannot help when I’m slipping away.
They cannot help when my brain is so broken.
They cannot help when I can’t stand to listen.
They cannot help when I’m barely here…
For now, I’ll sit here
Studying the language
Trying to remember
While I slowly fade.