You don’t really know what it’s like to have your heart broken until it happens. It’s hard to describe just how painful the feeling is. It’s more than just being sad or angry. It’s raw, visceral, and in the moment you want nothing more than for it to be gone. It physically hurts. I know all of this because I spent most of the Christmas break trying to get over somebody that broke my heart, and in fact I’m still working on it.
The worst part is that I can’t even lean on being angry at them, because we were never in an actual, real relationship. I pined after them for months, things progressed quickly for a few weeks, and then just as suddenly they ended. I was much, much more invested in them than they were in me, and it took one of my friends talking some sense into me for me to realize how unhealthy the whole situation had become. I decided to stop trying to win them over and take care of myself instead, but I had to face the fact that I was really, truly in love with them. That’s something that has never happened to me before, and it means that saying I’m going to move on is much easier than actually moving on. There are times where I just want to hit them up and have things go back to how they used to be. But I know that would just be backsliding into unhealthy behavior, and so even though that temptation is strong I’m trying to resist it. Everybody wants their first love to have a happy ending, but this was the furthest thing from it.
I’ve been trying a lot of different things to keep myself distracted and focused on the future. I’ve been working out more and focusing on my classes, but those are just ways to distract myself. The honest truth, no matter how cliche it may seem, is that it just takes time. Eventually, though it seems impossible to my right now, all the hurt and pain I’ve been feeling will fade. And nothing’s more comforting than that.