We all grow up learning that after having sex for the first time, something will “change.” We become a different person, or better yet, something has physically changed in us. Not only is this conviction factually incorrect, but it’s particularly damaging to anyone who’s not a cisgender straight man.
Let me explain:
Contrary to popular belief, nothing actually changes once you’ve had sex. Yes, some vagina owners have a hymen, which is a small amount of extra tissue around the edge of the vaginal opening. But not all vagina owners actually have this. Some don’t have one at all, and some do have one, but it stretches or tears from tampons or vigorous exercise without even having sex. While for some women it can be impacted after having sex for the first time, many women are not impacted at all. It is not a good indicator of if someone has had sex or not.
Virginity also erases the validity of gay, lesbian, queer and other non-heterosexual sexual experiences. How do you actually define sex? Someone else may look at your experiences and say you haven’t had sex – but by other people’s standards, you have. The reality is, you can define “sex” however you want. It doesn’t have to fit someone else’s standards.
So then, why does the term “virginity” exist?
To start, it serves to shame women. Both women who have had sex and women who haven’t are crucifed one way or the other. Meanwhile, the reality is you are the exact same person the day before and the day after you have sex for the first time. Nothing about you changes.
In addition, as exemplified by the concept of “Virgin Mary,” virginity is viewed as the pinnacle of purity. By this logic, women are supposed to birth children… without even getting to have some fun first? It’s a double standard that men are not shown the same pressure to obtain from sex.
Once we deconstruct this conviction, it can become much easier to be ready and open to having sex. Yes, it can be scary to be intimate for the first time, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait! But redefining what sex actually is will make it easier to cope with those fears you have.
We can deconstruct this social construct by teaching ourselves and each other that sex can mean whatever you want it to mean. Free yourself from the cultural weight assigned to the concept, and you will see that your sexual experiences or inexperiences are really nothing to dwell on at all.