Graduation is a time of growth, excitement, and new experiences. This is a celebration. A celebration of your hard work and dedication. You celebrate not only with your classmates at commencement, but with your friends and family. This is a happy time.
As I near graduation in the next few short weeks. I think about the people I have around me who have cheered me on and made me into the person I am today. I think about my family and my friends, and I know I’m supposed to feel happy. I’m supposed to feel this way, but I can’t help thinking about those who aren’t here.Â
November 20th, 2023: my Mima passed away. She was always my biggest cheerleader. My number one person to tell anything to, because she always had the time to listen, and because she actually liked talking to me. Sometimes I feel like I talk too much and no one wants to hear me go on and on, but she would.Â
I think about her in times like that and the grief washed over in an instant. I can’t stand these feelings and I can’t stand that she isn’t here. Everyday I wish I could share something new with her. I pick up my phone to call her, I walk into our living room to tell her something, I buy gifts for holidays and wonder which item she would like. Then I remember. I can’t do any of those things anymore.
In 2013, my father passed away when I was 10. I have gone through many firsts and graduations without him by my side. I have always wondered what it would be like to have a dad. As grateful as I am for my amazing family, that is a relationship that I’ve never really had and I wish I did.
I wondered how my dad would dance with me at my Sweet 16, what gifts he would buy me at Christmas, how happy he’d be at my highschool graduation, and now I wonder how he would have been at my college graduation now that’s it only a week away.Â
Although I’m so happy to finally be graduating after 4 years at Montclair State University, they will always be in the back of my mind, in every thought, and behind every decision I make. This is for you guys. All I could hope for in life is to make you proud and happy to have me as your daughter and granddaughter. When you watch me cross that stage in the clouds above, will you please send me a sign? A sign that I have done right by you.
Even with the grief and the guilt building inside, nothing would make me happier than to make them proud. Even with the rest of my family watching me, there would still be two seats that will never be filled. Even with the sadness I feel that they won’t be there, I am thankful to have the family I have.Â
I have learned that I do not have to feel guilty for being alive. I do not have to feel guilty when I laugh or smile. I do not have to feel guilty about my accomplishments. I do not have to feel guilty.Â
I have my beautiful, strong mother, my sisters who steal all my clothes, my little brother who is somehow 2 feet taller than me, and my two crazy aunts that deal with my antics all the time. I am thankful for my family and the people who love me. I am thankful to be graduating, MSU, you have been good to me!