College has always been painted as a place to “find yourself,” but no one says how confusing love gets along the way. Today’s dating culture is fueled by situationships, almost-relationships that hover in the space between friends and partners. Everyone wants connection, but fear of commitment, vulnerability, and the pull to “just experiment” make it harder to build something real.
So what exactly is forcing into this escape to feel love?
Well, it started when social media blossomed worldwide. Everything we need to know is at the tips of our fingers. Society standards went through the roof. Now we have a million standard, red vs. green flags, “if he wanted to, he would,” three-month rule, etc. Honestly, it’s exhausting.
We live in an age where true love is hard to find. People are scared to get hurt. There are too many rules. Too many things that would give another person the “ick.” We’re all so harsh to each other about such minor things as we try to find our “perfect” person.
I think we need to understand that perfect doesn’t exist. But this doesn’t mean we should put the bar on the ground. Have reasonable standards. Ones that people are capable of reaching. Girls, our favorite fictional character isn’t going to show up out of nowhere. We need to stop comparing and making unrealistic standards for men to meet. Boys, this isn’t a bear workshop, where you can shape your dream girl however you wish.
We need to go back to traditional dating. Delete the apps. Go outside. Talk to someone in class. Listen. Truly listen. Why do we feel the need to find someone who’s going to check off all our boxes? Why are we terrified of labels?
Understand this. The person you fall for might not be the person you’re with for the rest of your life. Stop putting all that pressure on yourself and the other person. Just live in the moment. I promise you, it’s when you’re not tracking every second of your relationship that you realize how many memories you have.
There’s a movie called “The Life List.” I think everyone should ask themselves the questions that are listed in the movie.
- Is he/she kind?
- Can I tell him/her everything in my heart?
- Does he/she help me become the best version of myself?
- Can I imagine him/her as the father/mother of my children?
These, I feel, are the most valuable standards you can give someone. You ruin all your chances with someone the second you give them all these expectations to follow.
The red vs. green flag trend genuinely needs to go. Small flaws in a person don’t automatically make them the most toxic person in the world. Actual red flags are ones that hurt you emotionally or physically. If he doesn’t put his toothbrush in the same place you put it, you need to calm down. Learn how to communicate. No one is capable of reading minds, so we really need to stop making that a standard. Yes, it would be nice not to ask for every little thing, but let’s not act like you remember every stupid little fact about everyone you meet. That’s ridiculous.
“If he wanted to, he would.” He’s a man…not a superhero. Just because someone on social media made his girlfriend a flower out of metal doesn’t mean yours can, too. Let him off the hook every once in a while and notice the things he does that you are ignoring because you’re too busy comparing him to everyone else. Your relationship involves just you and your partner. So why would you believe things in other people’s relationships are going to work with yours? Let’s have some common sense.
Three-month rule. This rule genuinely puts me in a spiral. Everyone believes that once you hit three months, your partner will get bored with you and your relationship will end. My goodness. The puppy phase isn’t going to last forever. You’re going to stop getting butterflies all the time, and your heart isn’t going to skip a beat when they text. That’s normal! That doesn’t mean they’re bored. If you want to be chased 24/7, stay single. A true relationship means you feel secure. You know they love you. Your heart is at ease. Having a crush is a fun feeling, but having a partner is a satisfying experience. You have someone whose hugs warm your soul and get your brain to stop thinking. That isn’t boredom.
The ick. Girl, he’s not going to style his hair every day. Stop making that an ick. We’re so distracted by physical attraction that we miss many of the things that truly make a person valuable. Do they have a passion? Do they make you laugh? Do you feel like you can tell them whatever’s on your mind? That’s what matters. If something really bothers you, say something about it. A person who really cares will change their habits. People change only if it’s going to make them a better person, not if you’re just being judgmental.
The fear of getting heartbroken is understandable. But let me tell you something. Your heart isn’t actually breaking. It’s still beating. Stop building all these walls and be open. Look beyond your phone and get rid of all the noise demanding you to feel about certain things. Sit down with your thoughts and ask yourself: who are you and what do YOU want? Write it down if that helps. Not unrealistic expectations. Real, reachable standards. How do you want to be treated? How do you want to feel?
You’re crying over people you were never with in the first place. Are you satisfied with that? Has that way been working for you?
We need to go back to the times when, during war, lovers wrote hundreds of letters to each other. We need to go back to when love was a goal, not an embarrassment.
Relationships are work, yes. But it’s work that’s worth it. There’s no better feeling than having someone to go to that immediate lifts your spirits. Someone that’s yours completely, not partially. Someone to laugh with, to cry with, to love. Someone to be a witness to your life. That knows everything about you. They may not be able to buy everything you want, but someone just knowing is enough.
So let’s drop these insane expectations and delete dating apps. Get to know people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Break down those walls and be vulnerable. We aren’t capable of surviving without feeling loved and loving someone in return, so stop pushing away from it. Let yourself feel.