One of my favorite things to do is talk. I have a lot to say about almost any topic. I was not always like that, in fact I hated speaking and got anxious having to ask any type of question in class or needing a worker in a store to get something for me. I also don’t process things well, especially larger issues that would hold people back. I tend to push those down and instead focus (and by focus, I mean toxically fixate) on small, miniscule things that don’t really matter in the long wrong. So, talking about bigger issues tends to not be my cup of tea.
In the past week or so I have been starting to remember things from a traumatic event(s) that I did not want to talk about when it was over. Even today, I have not fully told anyone the entire story of what happened, not even my family, my closest friends, or my therapist. I don’t know if I just did not want to admit what happened or whatever else was going through my mind but all I know is that it is really coming back to haunt me.
Things like this have happened before. I would get flashbacks, hear or smell something that would remind me of what happened, and my memory would be triggered. But this time it is something else. It would be 4 years in March, and my junior year of high school was the beginning of the downward spiral that would consume my life for the next 9 months. I don’t know if me being a junior in college is now starting to trigger things, me thinking that it is going to happen again, or me never fully processing about what happened is starting to catch up to me.
The fact that I am realizing that this is starting to happen is good. I caught it before I really started going downhill again and now can put the certain measures in place to make sure that this time I do really process it. I don’t think I ever wanted to admit it because it was hard to accept that it happened and having to talk about it would make me relive what I went through but knowing that I have people that can guide me and walk me through it this time is definitely helping me.
We all process things differently and at different paces, but if you yourself have never fully dealt with anything before, I encourage you to starting taking steps to help yourself be able to start talking and overcoming what you went through for the sake of yourself now and your future self.