This past year and (quite literally) my life since I could remember being cognizant of the intricacies of life and living I have felt this overwhelming pressure that sat on my back for years. This pressure had manifested in a lot of my life be it my thoughts, anxiety, my ego, work, and most definitely… my education. This same thought that I need to be perfect or that I need to be the best was always my driving force. And, yes… those can be positive mantras for getting me through it, but it is also the driving force behind my self-esteem issues and my constant need for reassurance. After finally finding ways to cope through my life, I find that everything is where it needs to be.
I was an honors kid my whole life to the point where getting honor roll, Dean’s List, straight As, achievements, etc were a given. I watched as so many people were excited to get Dean’s List just once and posted about how proud they were. Then, I hated them. I didn’t understand why they decided to flaunt that like it was a “hard thing” to get. Well, it is a hard thing to get. Not everyone is programmed in this go-go-go, work-focused mentality like I am. And, they should be proud of their achievement because they kicked the s**t out of that semester.
For me, finding my place in this world is more about finding my balance and pinpointing why I feel anxious about something or why I feel frustrated over things. At my worst, I would be pissed off at people I never even interacted with. But, for what? What did I gain from hating on or trashing other people’s lives? It didn’t make me feel better because deep down it was a hidden jealousy for them. That they get to live amazing lives, have great friends, and just be happy. I was taking my own awesome life for granted.
At this point, no matter what had happened to get me here, everything is where it needs to be. I may be (secretly) freaking out that I will be moving from the quiet, know-everyone-suburbs to a huge city for grad school. I may be scared for what the future holds, how I’ll manage to live, and will I ever learn the right appointments that I should be getting at the dentist. But for now, I need to put the intense planner in me aside and let it go. There are so many questions left unanswered because they simply cannot be at this time. And that is something that I need to figure out as time goes on. We cannot know everything for sure, but what I do know is that I am in the right place in my life. I should feel happy for getting here.