There are two phrases I hear far too often: “There are no nice guys in this world” and “There are no nice girls in this world.”
I was recently talking to my brother and he was complaining about how there are no nice girls anymore. He said it’s almost like these girls think that every guy just wants to hook up, and that “it’s very weird to approach girls now because they either assume all we want is a hook up and are stand-offish, or they’re looking for a one-time thing and act the total opposite.” He then went on to tell me that it’s nearly impossible to strike up a conversation with a girl and have it lead into a good friendship or relationship. This is when I interjected. As a woman, it’s hard to determine if a guy is buying you a drink just because he wants to be a gentleman, or if he wants to get something out of it. When a guy approaches me, for example at a bar, I am a bit reserved because the last thing that I want is to lead him on to thinking that I am going home with him. However, I also don’t want him to think that I’m stuck up and ignoring him. Where is the happy medium? Why does everyone have this terrible mindset, and how can we change it?
It starts with you.
Everyone wonders why there are so many shitty people out there. Well, guess what? If you want change, you need to start with yourself. Be the kind of person that you want to meet. If you are wanting to find a good person with goals, morals, confidence and class, then YOU need to have goals, morals confidence and class. The opposite is also true: If you are rude, cynical, pessimistic and non goal-oriented, (yep, you guessed it!), you will attract rude, cynical, pessimistic and non goal-oriented people. Of course there are times that although you are a good person, you still attract the wrong type of people. The best part about this is that they’re very easy to pick out. When you know what you’re worth, you find out pretty fast who deserves your time… and who doesn’t.
If you are like 90% of the single population, you’re probably tired of the endless cycle of wondering whether or not a particular person is actually interested in you, or if they just want what you have to offer sexually. We must get out of this common habit of craving attention from anyone who will give it to us. It’s so important to wait for the right kind of attention. When someone is interested in you, it is very important to try to read their queues. Sometimes it’s obvious that they simply want to hook up, and other times it can be difficult. Luckily there are subtle cues that you can look for. Although it can be very flattering when someone is clearly interested in you, but when it’s for the wrong reasons it’s not worth it. Figure out the difference between someone who simply wants to get to know you as a person and someone who is just looking for a cherry-on-top-of-the-cake kind of night.
So why participate?
Why do we all complain so much about the culture but refuse to change? Participating in the hook up culture is not leading you to freedom, no matter how much it feels that way. Instead, you are becoming caught up in society’s standards of “normal.” Just look at the media. You can’t turn the TV, the radio, or go to the movies without viewing or hearing something sexual.
Participating in the hook up culture is giving into the misery that everyone has been trapped in. The worst part is that some people’s lives revolve around sex and society promotes it. Sex is not bad, but just like anything, if you abuse the gift it can be very harmful. Sex without emotions will result in the numbing effect. What is this? The numbing effect occurs from the mindset of hooking up. Casual, spontaneous sex is the easiest way to feel a connection with someone without having to deal with emotions. People claim that having no strings attached is a healthy part of college life. The thought is that it helps you find out who you are and what you like. In reality, those are just excuses that justify the selfishness of your actions. By hooking up, you are literally using that person for their body, and vice versa: you are allowing them use you for yours. You are purposefully numbing yourself of the emotions.
Why is this so dangerous? Two words: depression and anxiety. It has been proven that participating in casual, meaningless sex puts you at a higher risk for anxiety, depression, and other social anxieties (Taylor and Francis, 2013). Depression is not only a result of hooking up, however there is clear evidence that the two issues are connected.
Why add fuel to the fire? By not participating, you are opening your life up to the possibility of healthy relationships. Relationships you deserve.
YOLO
You only live once, right?! This phrase is so two years ago, but everyone still takes it to heart. I have not met one person that hasn’t said this at least once in their lives. It seems harmless but it is definitely the opposite when comes to hooking up. People use this phrase as an excuse for something stupid that they did or are about to do. “You only live once so I’m going to do it with ‘NO RAGRETS!’” Alright, clearly something is wrong. If you use this excuse to hook up and claim that it’s a normal part of college, you are doing yourself a disservice. If you don’t believe me, just look at the STD rates: 15-24 year-olds make up one quarter of the sexually active population and account for half of all new STD infections (CDC, 2015). And clearly, having multiple sexual partners is one very large contributor to the STD rate. (CDC, 2013). Feeling guilty is not a bad thing. It is human nature. It’s your conscience telling you that you’re doing something that is hurting you. Listen to that voice inside that is telling you it’s wrong. You’re by no means a bad person if you decide to make these choices. Please just understand that it’s hurting you more than you think. Its OK to mess up once in a while, but learn from those mistakes. Quit making the same mistake if it ‘s clearly making you miserable. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start over. It’s never too late. You only live once, so live it in a way that will make you actually happy.
Give GOOD Advice
Your friends can be one of the biggest indicators on what decisions you make. What kind of friends do you have? Good friends are the kind of friends that want what’s best for you. What does this mean? It means that they will stick by your side, stick up for you, and stand with you on every decision that you make, unless they know it’s hurting you. When a friend really cares about you, they will be honest with you. Sometimes people may be afraid to say something because they are afraid of offending them. There’s also the possibility that your friend recently made that same decision does not want to feel alone in this mistake. This is dangerous because it continues the cycle of bad choices and makes everyone miserable. But at least we’re miserable together right? Let’s change it up and make good decisions so no one is miserable or regretful.
Many people have the attitude of ‘if it makes them happy, then I am not going to stop them because it’s their life, not mine, therefore, it’s not my place.’ Reality check: it IS your place and you SHOULD say something. You are doing them a disservice by staying silent. On the flipside, if you know you have good friends and it’s obvious that they want what’s best for you, LISTEN TO THEM! Consider what they say because they can sometimes see things that you can’t. You are going to have a biased opinion. Instead of accusing them of judging you, listen to them and thank them for caring about you.
It all really comes down to one question: what are you truly wanting out of a relationship? Is it random hook ups that lead to anxiety, drama, loneliness, and dead ends? Or is it friendships and relationships that could possibly last a lifetime? We can be the generation to reverse the hook up culture, but we all need to do our part.
If you truly want to be happy and live your life to the fullest, make sure to have healthy friendships, healthy relationships, and live a healthy lifestyle. Be a good friend, stay honest and loyal. Stand up for what is right no matter the cost. Most importantly: have respect for yourself and others. Refuse to give in to this hook up culture and you will find people who deserve to be in your life. It will be worth it, trust me.
For my Christian friends out there, If you enjoy reading and are interested in learning more, there are so many good reads on all of these topics. Here are my favorites:
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How to Find your Soulmate Without losing Your Soul by Crystalina and Jason Evert
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Emotional Virtue by Sarah Swafford
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If You Really Loved Me By Jason Evert
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Reclaim Your Beauty by Leah Darrow
For more information, go to http://www.cdc.gov/sexualhealth/Default.html and http://www.cdc.gov/std/life-stages-populations/adolescents-youngadults.htm
Citations:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2015, December 4). Adolescents and Young Adults. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/std/life-stages-populations/adolescents-youngadults.htm.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2013 March 6). Health Related Quality of Life. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/hrqol/wellbeing.htm
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (April, 2013). Sexually Transmitted Infections Among Young Americans. Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/std/products/youth-sti-infographic.pdf.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2013, October 4). Mental Health Basics. Retreived from http://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/basics.htm
Taylor & Francis. (2013, June 28). Are college student hook-ups linked to anxiety and depression?. ScienceDaily. Retrieved April 13, 2016 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/06/130628130934.htm