Ever since I was old enough to like boys I have considered what they thought of me as a standard for how good I was. The more I felt rejected, the lower my self-esteem dropped. I never did anything for myself. If I tried to lose weight, I was doing it so boys would like me. I constantly wore makeup just in case I ran into a cute guy. I was and still am constantly overwhelmed with the fear that other people around me are judging me.
This past year, after several failed relationships, I realized why my feeble attempts to date were not panning out. With my increasing pattern of becoming attached to emotionally unavailable men, I constantly needed reassurance that the person I’m with actually liked me. If they don’t text me back after a certain period of time I question if they’ll ever text me again. I constantly second guess my actions so I don’t upset anyone.
I was always somewhat aware of my insecurities, but never truly realized how they affected my relationships. While I can’t say that the failures were entirely my fault, my insecurities had a way of taking over the relationship. I was pushing away these guys by constantly second guessing why they were with me. Each spare moment I had to think was consumed with scenarios in which I was not good enough. I couldn’t fathom that I guy would genuinely want to be with me because I could not see what they saw in me.
After years of not understanding what I was doing wrong and relying on the approval of men; I am now in a phase of my life where I understand that I need to be single for myself. I need to make myself the focus of my life, not others. In order to allow someone else to love me, I need to love myself. I need to work on bettering myself and being confident with every part of the person I am before I expect another person to do the same. I am so ready for this change in my life and excited to take time to grow emotionally, mentally and physically.