Much of today’s generation believes sex is the “normal” thing to do, however that is not the case at all. Sex is a choice, and many collegiettes often face the uncertainty that comes with giving sexual consent. I hope my experience helps you understand just how important it is to feel comfortable when in a situation that requires a clear “Yes” or “No” answer.
The Night Of
I was downtown one night last summer with my best girlfriend, having drinks with some of her friends and an attractive guy kept looking at me. I thought he was a good-looking fella, but I knew it wouldn’t be anything more than the typical bar flirting. We danced together and went outside with his friends once the song was over. I followed him outside because I didn’t want to be alone, but he slapped my butt on the way back inside. Although I knew it was disrespectful for a guy to slap a girl on the butt, I didn’t confront him. I was startled because it caught me off guard.
He offered to buy me a drink and I was flattered – it was the first time a guy has ever done that for me. We sat and chatted for a while and he kept complimenting me and touching my leg, but my gut was telling me that something didn’t seem right. He went on to say that I had nice lips and he wanted to kiss me. Even though I told him I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, I agreed to kiss him.
Toward the end of the night, he insisted I go home with him. I was feeling dizzy and nauseous and knew I was ready for bed; but my girlfriend insisted that I go with him. In my drunk state-of-mind, I listened. As we were walking, he said he wanted drive his truck instead, but he was in no condition to drive. Plus, we were only a block from his house. In hindsight, a true friend would have stopped this right away, but my “best friend” insisted it was okay and kept pushing me toward the car (needless to say, we’re no longer friends). I knew it was a terrible idea, but I was too tired and intoxicated so I just agreed and went.
When we got to his house, I climbed into his bed to go to sleep. He put his hand around my waist, turned me towards him and started to kiss me. Although I didn’t want him to make any moves, I thought, “I guess I said I would go home with him. We are just kissing.” His hands started up my shirt and then down my pants. I was very uncomfortable, but again, I thought, “This is what people do all the time, right?” He proceeded to take off my pants and my shirt – I didn’t stop him. It felt nice to have a man want me, even though I didn’t feel right about it. But then he asked the question I was hoping to avoid: “Do you want to have sex?” I said no, but he kept asking why. He really had no business to know why I did or didn’t want to have sex, but I didn’t want to disappoint him. “It’s just sex,” I kept telling myself. “Everyone does it.” I felt as if I owed him an explanation because I did go home with him, so I told him it was because he slept with my best friend and I hadn’t had sex before, which didn’t help at all. In fact, he seemed pleased I was a virgin because he mentioned how he had taken many ladies’ virginities in the past.
I kept changing my mind. Yes. Wait, no. Yes. No, not yet. But “it’s only sex” kept haunting me, so I finally agreed. He put on a condom and began, but as soon as he started, I told him to stop – I was right. I wasn’t ready, and I didn’t want to lose it like this. He stopped after a few seconds and asked if I was crying. As I held back tears, I said I wasn’t. I didn’t want to seem weak. He said, “I don’t want you to think I’m raping you” so I assured him he wasn’t because I originally gave consent and then changed my mind. He began to tease and criticize me by asking if I was waiting for someone special. I told him I didn’t know and he kept trying to pressure me into to having sex. I said no. This upset him, but he agreed to just do other things. While we were kissing again, he started choking me and I couldn’t breathe. Once he stopped I told him I was done and wanted to go to sleep. He was upset because I know he wanted more. He asked again if we could have sex. I told him no one last time, and he rolled over and went to sleep.
The Morning After
I felt guilty because I wasn’t sure if what we did was considered sex. I also felt dumb because I disappointed him and thought I owed him more. I was ready to get away and never see him again. Days and weeks passed, but I still wasn’t sure if I had lost my virginity.
Looking back, I learned two very important life lessons:1. Always demand respect from the people you choose to surround yourself with.2. Never feel like you have to do anything sexual that you’re not comfortable with.
This is my body, and I get to decide what happens to it – no matter what situation I am in. Self-respect is so important, and this experience helped me gain so much more. I wish to leave you with this: Never feel pressured to have sex, whether you’ve done it before or not. Establish boundaries and require that they be respected. If something doesn’t feel right, listen to your gut and say no. I wish I did.