We were best friends. We did everything together and had for four years. He was my high school sweetheart, and for a really long time, I hadn’t even thought about a future that didn’t include him in it. We started dating my sophomore year, and were inseparable right from the start. We had similar outlooks on what we wanted in our lives and enjoyed doing a lot of the same things together. I wholeheartedly believed that he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with.
This was my first serious relationship, and while there was so much love between us, there began to be this voice in the back of my head telling me this wasn’t what I wanted anymore. When I would try to talk to him about how I was feeling, things never changed. We had a lot of communication problems that drew us apart. During the time that I was unsure, I felt so much guilt. How do you tell the person you care about more than anything that you’re having these thoughts?
Like any relationship, we’d had our ups and downs, and after doing long distance for a year, we joked that the year following would be the easiest yet. Both of us would be in the same city for school again, and by the end of the year we’d move into our first apartment together. After moving in together, things were going really well. Living with my best friend was everything I had dreamed of for years. But that voice was still in the back of my mind.
About a month before ending things, we sat down and I explained how I had been feeling. I wanted things to work so bad, but no matter how much effort either of us put in, it never felt like enough to me. Which is the worst feeling in the world.
Seeing how hard someone is willing to work for us, but still questioning things in the back of my mind hurt. I think it is really easy to feel security and comfort after being with someone for so long, which is such a great feeling when you are with the right person. In my case though, the security and comfort was the factor holding me back. What if this wasn’t the right decision? All of these questions held me back for a long time. I was scared for how different my life would become, and I didn’t want to hurt the person who meant everything to me. But, I knew that it wasn’t fair to either of us to continue our relationship unsure about whether we were right for each other.
Us breaking up was by far the toughest thing I have ever gone through in my life. We had gone through a lot of difficult things together, and this was no different. We were able to stay friends after taking some time apart. Since breaking up, we have both gotten the clarity and closure we both needed, and decided together that this was the right decision for both of us.
These past few months I have grown a lot emotionally, and I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on our relationship. I’ll always have a lot of love for him in my heart, but I had to do what was best for me. I didn’t want to stay in a relationship out of comfort and stability. In the end, we had grown apart, and I’m not sure if there was anything either of us could’ve done for things to end differently.
If I could give anyone advice, I would say listen to your gut feeling. You are going to have to make tons of tough decisions throughout your life, and you are the only one that knows what’s best for you. This is the first time in my life that I have really been able to focus on myself, and I know that even in this short time I’ve been by myself, I’ve grown a lot as a person. Make sure you are taking the time to reflect on your life. When we were together, I didn’t have much time to myself, and I never felt like I was able to understand my emotions. And lastly, even though things may be tough right after you break up, it will get easier over time, and you will be okay.