At one point in any girl’s life, they will be engaged in a relationship. We are told growing up that you make sacrifices for someone when you truly love them, and that is how to make a relationship work. In some ways, this is true. However, if you reach the point where you are going against your values and beliefs, it becomes an unhealthy relationship.
What we define as a healthy relationship varies from one person to the next, and these standards are based on our beliefs and values which are influenced by friends, family and society. Of course we know that some situations become complicated because our feelings for someone may grow strong until we fall in love. When we have a crush on a certain person, we want to impress them in hopes that they will notice us. What we forget sometimes is that we modify ourselves to get someone to notice. This should not be the case, but sadly many of us have done it at one point or another, whether we like to admit it or not. One thing you need to realize is that the person we are meant to be with should appreciate you exactly as you are, because who you are is unique and special. Trying to be somebody you are not becomes exhausting; besides how long can you keep up the facade until you can no longer do it?
There are a few things you can do to follow your own personal values and embrace who you are. One, is that the other person should not define who you are. If they are your sole purpose for the things you do, you no longer are doing something for you. Two, when you have to lie about what you are doing or who you are with, things become controlling. Three, it is okay to have time to yourself and you should. Being with your significant other all the time doesn’t allow you to do the things you like and have time to collect your thought and pamper yourself. In time, you will learn to do things together and share each other’s interests. Some interests between the two of you are already the same, but no couple likes every single thing the other one does, right?
For those who are in an abusive relationship, it doesn’t always mean physical. It can also be verbal and emotional. If your S/O is controlling what you are doing and always checking up on you, there is a major problem and you need to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation. We all have insecurities, especially when we feel like you can lose something. If you feel this way, talk about it with your partner. Be courteous to their feelings and try to understand where they are coming from. If this issue continues after a heart-to-heart and things are not changing, it is time to end the relationship. How you feel is just as important! If you are being physically abused, report it. There will always be someone there to support you, whether it be your friends, family, a doctor, professor, or even a hotline.
Sometimes we may get stuck in our relationship and we are blinded by what we don’t see. It’s hard to see that we are being mistreated when we care so much for someone. Your friends tend to be the ones to tell you when you’re being mistreated or that the person you are dating isn’t worth your time. In some cases they are right. I have been on both ends of what I like to call “defense collaboration,” which is when your friend sticks up for you, and becomes defensive when your S/O does something that hurts you or others. You talk about your issues with your friends and some of them may not like the person you are dating, and that is okay. You will have those friends, but know they are looking out for your best interests and genuinely care about you. In some cases, they are absolutely right because they see the things you cannot see, so listen to their input. However, one thing to keep in mind is the relationship you are in is with one other person. Not you, your S/O and all of your friends. When you are in a relationship, you get to know that person better than anybody else and they become your best friend as well. That is why it is so hard to let people go when relationships don’t work, out because you are losing someone you care about.
There are scenarios that involve a cheater or liar. What you define as cheating is up to you. I was cheated on and with that, it only solidified my personal trust issues I have with men. The only man I trust, personally in my life is my father. It’s hard to trust your S/O when the values of trust have been tested. Personally, when the boy I was dating was lying, falling through on what he said he was going to do and cheating, I could no longer engage in that unhealthy relationship. It was a hard choice because I liked him a lot and we became very close. I had to look at my values and who I wanted in my life. I asked myself why I was friends with certain people, and what their role in my life was. I was engaged in an unhealthy relationship with him and it took me a while to let go. The decision wasn’t easy, it never is; but I have a healthier life without him because I stuck to my values and respected myself.
From one collegiette to another, please respect your values and stick to them. If you have a gut feeling, stick to it. It took me a while to figure this out, but your gut feeling is right. Remember, it’s okay if things don’t work out – you will learn from your mistakes. The best thing a collegiette can do is love herself and trust in herself that she knows what is best for her.