The Her Campus National Editors write about products we love and think you’ll love too. Her Campus has affiliate partnerships, so we get a share of the revenue from your purchase. All products are in stock and all prices are accurate as of publication.
Safe sex, uncomfortable conversations and understanding consent
*Content Warning/Trigger Warning: Contains mention of sexual violence/assault
SEXUAL ASSAULT: If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.
Topics like contraceptives, consent and safe sex are conversations most college-aged students are/should be well familiar with. According to a United Educators article on “Student Consent Training,” it is common practice in universities to give incoming first-year students a sexual consent and violence prevention course, either through an online training module or an in-person workshop. Why is it, then, that we are still seeing so much sexual violence on college campuses? In the book review, “Sexual citizens: A landmark study of sex, power and assault on campus,” author Brian N. Sweeney goes on to explain this central question: why do campus sexual assaults still happen, and how can they be prevented? What they found was that it centered on “power, status and inequality as producers of the dynamics of sexual projects, sexual interactions and poor consent practices.”
In a time when every other week we’re hearing about a horrible violation of sexual boundaries and consent on college campuses, it is of the utmost importance that we, as a collective, work towards educating ourselves and each other about safe sex. Along with that, having uncomfortable but necessary conversations about sex and consent is a step in growing what I believe many college-aged students are lacking the most– a “sex-positive mindset.”
What is a sex positive mindset?
To help in this conversation, I consulted Brittany Sue Hines, a Health Educator at the University of Missouri’s Student Health & Well-Being Center for Student Affairs, on how she would describe a “sex-positive mindset.” She defined it as, “One, embracing consensual sex and sexual activity as a normal, healthy part of human behavior, and two, prioritizing pleasure as the most essential and central part of any sexual interaction.” Hines went on to say, “I think such a framework emphasizes that sex is not something shameful or embarrassing, while also pinpointing that pleasure must be mutual, which means that respect and care about the other person/people must be present in sexual encounters.”
Power imbalances, poor communication and disrespect for boundaries can often muddy consent. You might think to yourself, you took the college orientation courses and believe you already have a good understanding of safe sex and consent, which is great. However, this alone isn’t enough to combat the ever-present confusion surrounding consent that college-age students have. In “Can I Say “No”? How Power Dynamics Hinder Consent in University Settings,” authors Manon Bergeron, Ihssane Fethi, Cindy Viau and several others explain, “Teaching assertive sexual consent has been emphasized to combat gender-based and sexual violence in higher education. However, the relationship between sexual consent and gender-based sexual violence in higher education is complex, and teaching ‘say no’ seems insufficient to eradicate these issues.” Moreover, they explain that institutions play a vital role in shaping how the student body understands consent; unfortunately, these institutions seem to be falling short. So what else should we look towards for growing our mindsets?
Addressing misconceptions
I asked Hines to describe the top four misconceptions she sees surrounding safe sex in college-aged students.
- The first misconception she described was the belief that birth control is enough protection without the use of condoms, causing a recent decline in condom use alongside birth control during sex. Hines went on to explain, “Birth control is great at preventing birth, but barrier methods like condoms are still necessary for preventing STI transmission. Safe sex includes pregnancy prevention and STI prevention.”
- Her second misconception was that risk (pregnancy, STI, etc.) cannot occur during your first sexual encounter. Hines went on to say, “Everything in life comes with risk even if you only try it once… It’s important to remember that you can still contract an STI from your first-time partner, and you can still get pregnant on your first go, thus emphasizing the importance of communication, methods of protection and testing.”
- The third misconception Hines brings up is regarding birth control and the “social media grifters” who try to sell “natural” remedies that aren’t real. It is always important to find credible and scientifically relevant sources when educating yourself on birth control methods, according to Hines.
- The fourth and final misconception Hines described was the “belief that STI testing is only for people who ‘sleep around.’” This is a very relevant misconception for college students, as for many around this age, it’s their first time experiencing sexual activity; as Hines puts it, “college is the time when you get to explore your own autonomy and independence.” Myths such as these are incredibly damaging to cultivating sex positive mindsets. Hines says that STI testing is something that everyone should be open to, no matter what kind of sex you’re having or who you’re having it with. Regular testing is part of a healthy, safe sex life.
So, how can I have these conversations?
It is not only important that you have a concrete understanding of consent within a sexual relationship but that your partner or partners do as well. But these conversations can be awkward, uncomfortable or get pushed off for fear of “ruining the mood.” I once again talked to Hines and asked for her recommendations, as a sexual health educator, for having uncomfortable, but often necessary, conversations about sex with a partner.
- She began by saying, “First, recognizing that these conversations are awkward and uncomfortable is huge. You don’t need to say everything perfectly; you need to have the conversation at all.” Keep this in mind: if your partner doesn’t have the capacity to sit down and engage in these conversations, consider whether they can understand consent and respect your boundaries. Hines went on to say, “The more you talk about sex, especially if you’re talking about it with a consistent partner, the more comfortable it becomes.”
- “Secondly, you should be having these important conversations before you start having sex, preferably before any clothes come off or the moment becomes heated.”
- And finally, she recommends writing out a script/list of questions to ask; it could be on your phone, to possibly make it easier to avoid some awkward eye contact.
Some examples she gave of things you could say or ask are:
- Do you know your current STI status?
- Last time we had sex, _____ happened and I didn’t like it. Can we talk about it?
- I don’t like when we’re intimate and you do ______. Can we try ______ instead?
- Do you have other partners at the moment? Do they get regularly tested?
Hines also recommends looking to Planned Parenthood, as they suggest the following to keep these sorts of conversations as comfortable as possible:
- Share Your Status: Check to see if they’ve been tested recently and let them know when you last did. Try: “Hey, I got tested last month. When was the last time you did?”
- Be Upfront About Boundaries: What is non-negotiable for you? Whether it’s condoms, lube or dental dams, let them know at the start. Try: “Condoms are non-negotiable… but everything else is on the table!”
- Stay confident: Talking about safer sex is a sign of maturity, not a mood-killer. Try: “Talking about this stuff makes me feel better and makes sex more fun. I want us both to feel good about it.”
- To be or not to be? Double-check to see if this thing is monogamous or not! Try: “So… are we exclusive, or should I be stocking up on extra condoms?”
Why does this matter?
All of this may seem small on an individual level when you think about yourself, your friends, partners, etc. However, how students communicate these issues shapes the overall campus culture. In light of recent events such as the case of Jane Doe at Cornell University or the sexual assault case of a woman at the University of Chicago, growing a sex positive mindset is now more vital than ever; being educated and knowledgeable concerning consent and sex allows for a deeper understanding of sexual safety and misconceptions, which in turn creates a culture where invasions of boundaries, sexual assault and rape are mitigated through proper education.
I’m not claiming to solve the issue by any means. Instead, I’m suggesting that being open and willing to have conversations surrounding safe sex practices can hopefully lead to a more well-rounded knowledge of consent and would, in turn, foster a decrease in overall sexual violence on college campuses. This is not a one-fix issue, as many other factors such as policies and legislation all play a role in decreasing sexual violence for students. We should all work toward violence-free campuses together, and it starts with an open, sex-positive mindset.
Resources
Consent and safe sex
Sexual violence/ abuse crisis helplines
National:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233) or www.thehotline.org
- National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE (4673) or www.rainn.org
- National Human Trafficking Resource Center: 888-373-7888 or www.humantraffickinghotline.org
- Victim Connect Resource Center – Call or text 855-4-VICTIM (855-484-2846) or www.victimconnect.org
Local to University of Missouri:
- True North of Columbia
Hotline: 1-800-548-2480
Local Number: 573-875-1370
truenorthofcolumbia.org
- Missouri Coalition Against Domestic and Sexual Violence
Local Number: 573-634-4161
mocadsv.org
- Missouri Coalition Against Trafficking and Exploitation
Local Number: 314-459-2854
- Missouri Attorney General Human Trafficking Division
ago.mo.gov/divisions/human-trafficking
- Missouri Crisis Line: 888-761-HELP (4357) or text HAND to 839-863