Two weeks ago, a Jersey Shore spinoff was released on MTV, and though it doesn’t come close to meeting our early 00’s standards of reality television like Jersey Shore did, Floribama Shore did not disappoint when it comes to fights, hook ups, and embarrassing moments. In case you missed the last few episodes, here is everything you need to know:
Kortni, the youngest in the house, got plastered and passed out by 9:30pm on Night 1, successfully sleeping through the entire night while her housemates went out together. MTV producers flashed between shots of the housemates at a local Panama City bar, to Kortni drunk and stumbling between her and another housemate’s bed. The kicker? Poor, drunk and confused Kortni mistook her roommate’s bed as a toilet, dropped her pants and peed on it before passing out in the same bed…on her own pee. The funniest part was Kortni waking up the next morning and convincing herself that she was being framed for a spilled drink. Sorry Kort, cameras don’t lie.
Kortni also peed in a trash can on the beach the next morning. What does she have against toilets?
Nilsa, divorced at the ripe age of 23, discusses with the roommates at a very familiar family-style dinner how she was married to a marine who cheated on her after suffering a miscarriage. After such a serious conversation, Gus, who wanted the audience to know there’s more to him than pretty eyes and hair, decided to ask Nilsa on a romantic dinner date only for it to go horribly wrong. The man ate a piece of cheesecake off the floor then complained to the guys in the house how he spent $150 and didn’t get a kiss goodnight.
Oh, Jeremiah, who believes women love men who are “polite, but douchebags,” (that’s a real quote) asked Kortni on a dinner date as well. This one didn’t go well either, and ended with Jeremiah friend-zoning her pretty hard. Ouch, maybe it was the whole, not-peeing-in-private thing that turned him off?
Nilsa decided she wants Jeremiah, but Jeremiah meets a girl named Kayla Jo on the beach and invites her out to the bars. Kayla Jo gets caught in the middle of a fight with Nilsa and Kortni that drags on for multiple days. Nilsa apologies to Jeremiah for attempting to sabotage his “date” with Kayla Jo, and it ends with an awkward apology and Jeremiah declaring he can’t trust her.
In the middle of all of this, Codi decides he’s had enough and tells Nilsa to stop being “salty.” The problem? Drunk Codi decides to insult Nilsa’s plastic surgery, while yelling at her for drunk-dialing her ex-husband, which causes yet another fight, this time between Nilsa, Codi, and Aimee, who steps in to defend Nilsa.
The next big fight happened between the guys and the girls of the house. The culprit? Chicken. The guys decided to BBQ some chicken and didn’t save any for the girls, and I’m not kidding when I say these people get in one of their most heated fights yet.
Aimee decides to cook taco soup for the house as a peace offering, and all is well during their family-style dinner…until all 8 roommates get the “runs.” Truly nothing can go right in this house.
The end of Episode 3 ends with some locals attacking Nilsa for no reason. All of the roommates jump in to defend her, and God bless, the first bar fight finally happens. And it is HUGE. Punches are thrown, cops are called, hair is pulled. It is a full-on Jersey Shore boardwalk brawl that we have been thoroughly missing.
In all, Floribama Shore does not disappoint. It will never replace the Jersey Shore-sized hole in all of our hearts, but for one hour every Monday it gives us the chance to forget exams and projects and watch people truly not care about their lives on national television.