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If you are chronically online, like me, you’ve probably heard of the performative male and their odd obsessions with women’s hobbies, interests and Starbucks orders. Is this epidemic of men chasing the female gaze overall good for us, or a facade of manipulation? Here is a guide on spotting who’s genuinely into you vs. who just wants feminist brownie points.
Define Performative Male
The term “performative male” refers to a sub-genre of the classic “nice guy trope,” basically the “pick-me” guys. Their so-called niche interests? Just a ploy to prove they’re “not like other guys” (Sorry, just dropping some buzzwords here).
Now, is this necessarily a bad thing? Men tapping into their more feminine side, exploring new interests that they might’ve once avoided? Maybe not. But if you’re not sure where the line is, don’t worry. Here’s how to spot a performative male in the wild.
1. The Starbucks Order
When scouting for a performative male, start with the Starbucks order. Think: matchas, chai lattes, iced Americanos, Earl Grey—all with a non-dairy milk alternative, of course. Now, don’t get me wrong, these drinks are top tier. Most guys? They’d go with the tried and true Caramel Ribbon Crunch…if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
2.Social Media & Book Recommendations
Next, pay attention to how they spend their free time; more importantly, how much of it they post on social media. One thing about a performative male: he will always document his “niche interests”—whether it’s on a Snapchat private story, a perfectly curated Instagram post or a moody DM if they’re feeling extra angsty that day.
Now, don’t get me started on the book choices. You’ll often catch him nose-deep in a feminist-coded classic like “Pride and Prejudice,” “The Bell Jar” or “Jane Eyre.” Amazing books? Yes. Deserving of praise? Definitely. But calling these books “underrated” in 2025? Let’s be serious. These books have been canon for decades—they aren’t hidden gems, babe.
3.Music Taste? – Don’t Even Get Them Started
The final boss: their godforsaken “underground” playlist that, trust me, you will never hear the end of. Mind you, this playlist is stacked with some of the most famous female artists of all time. Taylor Swift? Obviously. Clairo, Faye Webster, girl in red, The Marías, Lana del Rey… the list goes on. And on. And on.
Personally, this is where I get reeled in—and honestly, I get how easy it is to fall for the illusion. It feels real. Sensitive. Like a shared language. But that’s the trick: it’s designed to.
We’re All Just People, Unfortunately
But the point is, performative men deliberately adopt the persona of someone that is genuine and emotionally available, when in reality, it is just an act. Behind the curated music taste and their thrifted attire, it is still just a guy running the same tired game—just better branding. Now are all guys like this? No. Some guys genuinely care, listen and share interests with you without making it this incredible “performance.”
Just… maybe aim for the ones with low media presence and a little Drake in the mix—for balance, of course.