Going to college changes everything, even your moral compass and what you see as right or wrong.
Over the summer, I read this book called “The Rachel Incident” by Caroline O’Donoghue.
In it, there was this quote:
“The year on Shandon Street did a lot for me, but it did this most of all. It detached me from any kind of inherited moral system. I stopped sizing others up in accordance with the values I had been taught: who was a loser, who was closeted, who was cheating on their wife. I learned the value of context, and of people.”
“The Rachel Incident” – Caroline O’Donoghue
I had to pause when I read that. I had to stop and think: Has my time at Mizzou detached me from my inherited moral system? What even was my inherited moral system? Then there’s the question of where you inherit your moral system. Is it your parents, society or who you surround yourself with? Probably a mix of all three.
That’s a lot of questions, which isn’t out of the ordinary for me, but as I fell asleep the night after I read that quote, I had a lot to think about.
In two and a half years, I have fundamentally and irrevocably changed from the girl who got to Mizzou on a balmy August day. I’ve learned a lot, but I’ve also cried a lot.
With this level of change comes discomfort. I’ve had to untangle who I am from the environment in which I was raised. That being said, I think my parents did a fantastic job. I love them wholeheartedly, and I respect the way in which they live, how they treat people and the values with which they lead. The most important things they taught me: always have empathy, always be 100% yourself and give people grace have not changed. In fact, these have grown stronger as I develop an identity rooted in myself, rather than my childhood or what I have been taught.
The first big shift was the realization that, despite thinking I knew exactly who I was, I had no idea. This was disconcerting, to say the least. It’s like the Taylor Swift lyric from the song “Nothing New.”
How can a person know everything at eighteen / but nothing at twenty-two
As I inch closer to 21, I think I know a lot more about who I am than I did at 18, but I am also incredibly aware of how little I still know. Identity is not finite. There is no end, no “This is it! This is exactly who I am!” moment that makes life easier. The same goes for moral compasses, right and wrong, etc. Right and wrong exist in the gray. It’s hard to believe I could’ve ever thought I’d had a good idea of exactly who I was.
Before I get too philosophical, let me move on to something more concrete and a defining factor of the current culture of college: the intersection between purity culture and hookup culture. This is a prime example of the way one’s environment impacts one’s moral compass. This level of disconnect between two opposing sets of values can actually cause more self-doubt. It sets the stage for more people to feel at odds with themselves over what they are doing/think they should be doing.
But here’s the end-all be-all: What you should or should not be doing is irrelevant.
If there’s one way my moral compass has shifted the most, it’s in the understanding that if you are not hurting people, there is no right or wrong way to live life. People move differently, make choices I wouldn’t dream of, and yet, that’s a life full of happiness. Who am I to judge happiness? Who am I to judge anyone when I barely know myself?
Don’t do things because you think it’s the right thing to do. Do it because it brings you joy. Do it to hear your best friend laugh or to see your mom smile.
And finally, if you’ve made it this far, go read “The Rachel Incident” (it’s more of this, but with a plot!). I thought it was phenomenal and messy and fully in the gray. Life in the gray isn’t so bad, so lean into it. There’s no better way to know oneself than to accept that it might not be entirely possible.