“What happened to flowers, opening car doors for your date and going steady?” My mother was on the other end of the phone when I was explaining to her what it’s really like to try and find a serious relationship in college.
“It’s a dying culture,” I responded. The truth is, the trend of delving into serious relationships when you’re young has now become a generational concept. And the concepts of casual “things” or “ghosting” someone leave most of our parents and grandparents completely baffled.
But the reality of today’s dating culture is that serious relationships are pretty much off the table once you enter college. Don’t get me wrong, there are those college love story rarities where you meet in class or in one of the most anti-romantic locations ever: a frat party. But those stories are the 1% that we single outsiders look at and either burst into a jealous scream, or just shrug and carry on with the way things are. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that. College can be a painful time period where a serious relationship seems more like a distant desert mirage.
We all know the names: Tinder. Bumble. Hinge. These are the names that can be found glowing behind the screen of a smartphone in most college kids’ app collections; all three being similar in user design, goals, and most of the time, outcome. The world of dating became streamlined when technology took over to bolster a person’s chances of finding a date or hookup. These apps turned “the old fashioned way” into a new age “friends with benefits” concept. Because of their marketability toward younger generations, dating apps slowly became part of the reality of the typical college experience, and the reality of looking for love.
But what about the success stories? What about that couple on TikTok that tells everyone they met through friends but actually met through Tinder? My guess is, they got lucky (and not in that way). So the question is: can you build a relationship with someone when all anyone seems to want nowadays is just a quick fix and no strings attached? My answer? Easier said than done.
The Dating App Dilemma
Oh, the dating apps, *rolls eyes.* But here’s the thing: I believe dating apps have a time and place where you can use them to your benefit. Depending on what you’re looking for, dating apps can offer a “buffet style” setup of individuals for you to mutually pick and choose from. And as much of a myth as it may seem, finding a potential significant other is not completely out of reach. The app Hinge specializes in building connections that actually last through more engaging profiles. The app is designed to “be deleted,” according to their slogan.
Moving on to Bumble, if you find yourself swiping along and get a match, a message can only be sent by the woman you match with (in heterosexual pairings). But, Bumble is also unique in that it offers strictly platonic friendship matches as well through their BFF platform. Honestly, I might try that out.
Lastly, we have the one we all know and either hate or love: Tinder. I think I speak for most women when I say I have a love-hate relationship with Tinder. It’s addicting, validating, and amusing at times, but also annoying, cringe, and feels like you’ve let your bar go almost too low sometimes.
The problem with dating apps in the midst of hookup culture is that they pretty much only perpetuate it. The 2 a.m. “WYD” texts, the inevitable “Netflix and chill” session and the sneak-out-before-anyone-wakes-up action plan are a part of the usual accomplices that come with the sly world of dating apps. When it comes to finding a serious relationship within those apps, most people run for the hills at the slightest hint of the idea, or set the ground rules from the get-go and put “looking for something chill ;)” in their profiles. Breaking the cycle and finding love in apps that feed off of lust has to be one of the dating world’s greatest anomalies. But for now, most of us ask the question: to use Tinder, or not to use Tinder?
Emotional intimacy? Not available.
Long gone are the days where people sit in a circle and share their deepest thoughts, feelings and desires. Well, maybe those days never happened to begin with, but you get what I’m saying. Emotional intimacy and basic human connection have been lost within hookup culture and more generally, within the younger generations in high school and college. “Smash and dash” is not exactly an unheard-of phrase within younger age groups. Why? Because the thought of actually connecting with someone other than just physically is a daunting task.
Going on dates, asking all of the basic questions, and doing it a few more times until you slap a label on whatever the two of you are to each other, can sound painful and awkward to some, but like a dream come true to others. But where do you find willing participants if that’s something you want? The “plenty of fish in the sea” analogy seems to have morphed into “a few fish in a shallow puddle” for younger individuals.
When it comes down to actually getting to know a person for the purpose of possibly dating them, it seems like a bit of a stretch for most college kids. And even if you do decide to take an emotional crack at the person you’re seeing, the walls could be high and rejection could be imminent. The problem is, one-sided hookups often come down to miscommunication about where a person stands with what they want from the other person. One person could want a relationship while the other simply just wants a casual hookup, and vice versa. And we all know how those turn out.
With no deeper level of connection reached beyond just physical, it’s safe to say lines could become blurred, communication could be missed entirely, and one or both sides of the party could be left hurt. But the lack of emotional intimacy amongst college-age individuals only drives these types of relationships to eventually burst into flames. Unless, of course, emotional intimacy is something you want off the table.
No expectations, and having fun while you’re young.
Fresh out of a relationship? Deciding to explore? Not ready for anything serious? Well, then hookup culture may actually be for you. It’s hard to say that hookup culture is entirely bad for everyone who sees the forefront of it and/or experiences it around them. It all comes down to the individual’s situation and desires. If you just got out of a bad relationship where you felt suffocated or needed a break, then perhaps downloading Tinder and hitting up that one frat party isn’t such a bad idea. If you feel like you want to just try something new with someone new and have no strings attached, then go for it! Sneaky links and late-night texts await. I will forever be amazed at the people who can follow through with “friends with benefits” relationships and not develop even the slightest amount of feelings.
The world where hookup culture actually benefits people most likely only caters to those who go into it without their rose-colored glasses and no expectations whatsoever. Deciding to dive headfirst into hookup culture with the intention of finding a boyfriend or girlfriend kind of defeats the purpose and trumps the name “hookup culture.” For those who enter without a care in the world, the intentions are barely set and are broadened to be more of just a “see what happens” mentality. And guess what? There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
“I think it’s honestly kind of great. People need to mind their own business,” MU sophomore Bianca Bilardello said.
Talking with some college students, I have found that their attitudes towards hookup culture are split: half in favor, half not. But as I previously mentioned, it all comes down to what someone wants, and where they’re coming from. “You do you” is honestly a great explanation for letting those who wish to participate and find no problem with it carry on, and those who want genuine connection and serious relationships also continue their quest. After all, most of us are just barely into our twenties and based on how I’ve painted our generation within this narrative, I doubt most of us will be getting married in the next few years.
Looking for love? It may take a while.
So what about those who do want to cuddle, have breakfast dates, meet the parents and have a relationship that everyone is jealous of? Cue Rihanna’s ‘We Found Love,” because one man’s hopeless place could be another man’s hopeful place. The typical college social scene involves all the regular spots: bars, parties, and maybe for some, game days. These all are promising options for meeting a potential SO, just as long as your boundaries are set.
Be communicative and tell it like it is after you meet someone you’re interested in. If they don’t go with it, ditch them. Those people are not meant to have time be wasted on them. As I always tell myself, “If they don’t want to, someone else will.” Words to live by. And as you navigate around those that are only in search of that quick fix or “one and done” deal, you can begin to weed out those who do not reciprocate your intentions. And soon, you’ll feel more confident in yourself to only look for those who do reciprocate your intentions.
But alas, it is easier said than done. Amongst everyone that is wrapped up in short-term flings and non-serious things, there are those who find themselves frustrated and stumped; asking themselves what they could possibly be doing wrong to only attract such icky attention. The truth is, that is just how it is. Although it may feel like you may not find it, set your expectations and keep forging ahead for love if that is what you’re looking for.
Depending on who you are and what you want, hookup culture in college can either serve you well or put you through the wringer.
For those who prefer the emotional disconnect and exploration of being young with no strings attached, hookup culture produces a slew of avenues to travel down; each avenue customizable depending on the individuals involved.
But where are all of the single people who hate hookup culture hiding? My guess is, they’re buried in a solidified culture that shuts down emotional intimacy before physical intimacy and preserves the act of casual flings, rather than exploring the possibility of falling in love.