I sat down to write this article after recalling a conversation with my mom.
After years of dressing like a volleyball player (which I was) and the following years of dressing like an insecure middle schooler (which I also was) I had finally begun developing my own sense of style. If not style, then my own fashion likes and dislikes.
In reflecting on this transition, I admitted to my mom that both my sporty and oversized phases were fueled by a desire to control how I was seen by other people.
“Do you worry people will assume things about you now?” She asked.
My answer: “No, because it doesn’t matter what clothes I wear. People will see what they want.”
I began receiving unwanted sexual attention in middle school. It came from all sides – anyone from boys my own age to men old enough to be my grandfather. It was a deeply unsettling experience – it still is unsettling – and one that shaped my relationship with clothes and my own body.
Coupled with the homophobic slurs lobbed at me and my friends for perceived queerness (legitimate but no less hurtful), and the increasingly rapid cycle of trends and style niches, I was destined to be dissatisfied with my appearance.
There is no way to win.
I was either derogatorily gay or too straight to represent my community. I was either too on-trend to be unique or too out of fashion to be well-dressed. I was either dressing for male attention or playing hard-to-get.
This is why I’ve decided to stop playing the game.
I’m tired of these imposed feelings of inadequacy and the subsequent lack of fun and playfulness in my clothing. I’m tired of juggling appeasements and neglecting my own stylistic creativity.
I have stepped away from the game, but now the process of (re)discovering self begins. So, here are 10 days of outfits as I attempt to regain the joy I once found in experimenting with clothes and their combination. And maybe, more importantly, here is a love letter to eclectic tastes, thrifting and dressing for myself.
Day 1
I love denim. While I used to avoid it at all costs, I’ve since grown into a love for all things blue jeans. I have a handful of jeans that I’m always wearing, a jean-skirt I love and a jean jacket that feels made for me.
Even better, denim is one of the most thrifted things in my closet. The dress I’m wearing here was bought – after much negotiation – off Poshmark.
I knew I’d be walking a lot this day, so I wore a pair of Adidas tennis shoes. Overall, I felt comfortable and appropriately dressed for the temperature.
My day was made when a girl stopped me to say: “I love your denim thing.”
Day 2
“You look hot,” one of my best friends said.
I had work today – I’m a barista – which meant avoiding colors that can easily be stained while still showing off my style. I’m of the opinion that coffee tastes better when prepared by someone who has the stereotypical look of a barista – maybe eclectic, grandparent-esque, and cute by queer standards.
I’m not sure how many of these boxes this outfit checked, but I did feel well-dressed at work. The layering was nice for the cooler weather, and I liked trying to pair black with brighter jeans and a pastel. This outfit is unlike someone I’ve put together before.
Day 3
Initially, I was worried that there were too many colors in my outfit. As my roommate said, though: “You’re wearing green and that’s basically a neutral.”
I love green and I love cargo pants. I bought these from Target’s Wild Fable section. Wild Fable is known for using recycled materials in their clothing to reduce waste. I thrifted this sweater vest while at a plant sale at my local botanical garden – truly, the most authentic setting to thrift a sweater vest.
I was definitely underdressed for the weather. I was cold for most of the day and then got soaked by the rain. Despite this, I was confident enough in my appearance to not worry so much about the elements.
Day 4
My love of cargos is truly immortalized in this pair of jeans. I remember putting them on for the first time and excitedly realizing my book fit in the side-leg pocket. I’m forever indebted to the friend who cleared out their closet and passed these beauties on to me.
I got the shirt while attending the Time Travelers Vintage Expo. The shirt was thrifted and printed on by Wig Dog Press, a company based out of my home state, Ark.
Everything about this outfit made me happy. After years of disavowing the color pink, I’ve been steadily embracing it more and more. Getting to wear something so bright and summery that was also unique and close to home – literally – made me feel a little less homesick.
Day 5
This was a much colder day than I expected, so I opted for a sweatshirt and pants. I got these gray pants off ThredUp and the sweatshirt is from Moe Sews – a small, embroidery based business. I had to put a jacket on too because of how chilly the wind was.
I like birds and I like tongue-in-cheek humor, so this sweatshirt really checks all the boxes for me.
I like being able to support small businesses and the quality craft-goods they produce. I got a few compliments on the pun which was exciting, and my ego was boosted. I feel like the funniest person all day, even when I was stuck doing homework for about four hours.
Day 6
Another cold-ish day. Similar to green, brown is one of the neutrals of my closet. I love the color brown and the more I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone and paired brown with color, the more I’ve realized how complimentary it is to other shades. To my surprise, I really enjoyed the brown and blue together.
I thrifted this Alaska sweatshirt in Speaker’s Circle – it was probably a little overpriced but I’m too content to care. This was certainly a baggier outfit for me, but unlike in the past, I didn’t feel like I was hiding. I wore this for me, not out of my fear of judgment. Especially when the wind picked up, I was happy to have a thick sweater to disappear in.
Day 7
I have not stopped wearing these patchwork overalls since I got them at the Time Traveler’s Vintage Expo. They have a baggier fit than I was expecting, but I like being able to pair this looser fit with a tighter shirt. The blend of cuts and style is interesting to me, and I’ve found that I like pairing things that I wouldn’t always consider compatible.
The weather was finally warmer today, but I decided I wanted another – albeit thin – layer between my arms and the world. I got this lace-esque shirt from Warehouse 479, an Arkansan thrift shop that donates all of their proceeds to a local community garden. It’s a beautiful piece from a beautiful charity.
I’m happy to say I felt like a spring flower while wearing these things together.
Day 8
This was a day of mishaps. Within the span of 24 hours, I cut the back of my leg, shut my finger in the bathroom door and spilled an entire cup of coffee on myself. To my pleasant surprise, the stains were relatively easy to remove.
I was excited to wear this, but also self-conscious. I was worried that the combination of more masculine shorts with a cropped shirt wouldn’t flatter me, or that I would look like I was cosplaying (inauthentically) as a lesbian. I felt strangely powerful in this outfit, though. The bold colors with the kind of careless cool made me feel like I was wearing armor.
“I do know how to dress myself,” I thought at one point. I stand by this thought.
The next time I wear this, though, I will make sure it’s a day I don’t work.
Day 9 (featuring my roommate, Eve, and our dorm dog, Oakley)
This dress is tighter and shorter than my current fare. While I was thrilled when I thrifted it, it quickly got relegated to the bottom of my drawer because I was hesitant to wear something so tight on my stomach and thighs. However, this morning I went into work at 6:30 a.m. and I didn’t have time to overthink my clothing. I put the dress on and walked to work without a second thought.
I’m so glad I did. This was exposure therapy at its best. I decided I felt good and by extension, looked good. The texture on this dress reminds me of running my fingers over cross-stitch. It just feels distinct and unique.
Several of my customers complimented it, and I felt like I had made the right decision to push myself.
Day 10
It feels fitting that outfits one and 10 should resemble one another so closely. Another Poshmark find, this lighthouse denim dress always puts a smile on my face. It’s comfortable and impressively lightweight which made it a good fit for the warm weather.
I like all the little details, too. The embroidery is tight and the buttons on the side of the skirt just give it a little more charm. It’s also a great conversation starter for me to discuss the many ways lighthouses intrigue me.
Adding the shirt underneath was a last minute addition, but one I’m glad I made. While I don’t think I’d wear these items together all the time, the additional feminine touch felt youthful and a little more creative than the dress alone.
Some final thoughts
Scary as it was, the process of documenting and sharing this style renaissance pushed me to be more transparent. Deciding to show other people this journey helped me stay honest. I actually pushed myself to try new combinations of clothes, and to feel good in what I was wearing. This accountability let me play around with clothing and regain the feeling that clothes are a form of art.
Ultimately, we are works of art decorated by the clothes we choose to wear. Regardless of what covers us, we have innate beauty and value separate from standards, expectations and trends. Clothing should be fun. Clothing should be freeing. Clothing should make us feel good. I found that it was easier to remember these things after I dedicated a week of my life to saying Yes to all of my ideas instead of asking: What will other people think?
It wasn’t perfect. I struggle with fabric textures, and so for several days I had to change what I thought I would wear so as not to overstimulate myself. Some days, I felt more confident leaving my dorm than others. Taking those first steps outside could be intimidating. However, it was always worth it.
It may be cliche, but in Lao Tzu’s words: “The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.” Or, in my case, the journey of 1000 outfits begins with a single sartorial risk.