Question: Exes. Just, Exes.
Ex. How fitting that it comes before “Why?”
Break-ups are confusing. Whether necessary or not, there are few things that pose more introspective and potentially transformational questions.
For instance:
1. Am I good enough?
2. What does he/she have that I don’t?
3. Will anybody ever really want me?
4. Is there something about me that I need to change?
5. What the f*** was he/she thinking?
6. Everclear, please.
These questions play a large role in how we allow our past relationships to dictate our future. I’m a firm believer that no relationship is ever wasted. Rather, with each passing relationship we learn new lessons about who we are, what we want, and how we’re going to treat our special someone when we find them.
But, before we get too touchy-feely with ourselves–a sure sign that you are single–let’s take a moment to look at some of the things that exes do to drive us crazy. It’s perfectly fine to be angry with an ex. After all, after any good break-up comes a brief period of homicidal rage.
1. We Can Still Be Friends.
“Can we still be friends?” No, Tina. We dry-humped. I’ve never dry-humped my friends.
This question is selfish, plain and simple. We both know you don’t mean it. Hell, whenever I used it IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, I didn’t mean it either. Reconciliation is a process. Reaching out with a synthetic olive branch is merely a means of masquerading as the “bigger man/woman” in what can be an incredibly painful experience.
So, no. Let’s not be friends. Give me a chance to heal before I have to pretend like I’m ready for that. Two or so months/years of crying when blacked-out should be enough.
2. Tweet Me Nice
I’m sorry, but when did you learn to turn a phrase that makes Taylor Swift look masculine?
It never fails to amaze me that exes believe that the absence of a name is proper disguise for a social media post. This has been rough on both of us and there’s no reason for you to continue stuffing me into Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts.”
Please keep our personal hell off of social media. We didn’t break up so that you could persistently lose followers. We broke up because I could only spend 167 out of 168 hours with you per week.
3. Re-bound-venge
I know this break-up has been hard, but that’s no excuse to hit the “boards” harder than Shaq.
There is nothing worse than watching an ex hook up with other people. Even worse is when you know they’re doing it out of spite. I get that there is currently an intimacy vacuum in your life. But, consider this: some people’s lives are intimacy vacuums, as is. They’ve survived. You will too.
4. Winner, Winner. Ice Cream Dinner.
Another misconception about break-ups is that there has to be a winner. And let me tell you, there is nothing that says breaking-up was a wonderful decision more so than when one of the two declares his or herself “the winner.”
In reality, we’re both single. In essence, we both lost. It is still pending whether natural selection will choose for us to reproduce. Until that time, we are both genetic stopgaps in the chain of human history. But, don’t be sad about it. Oprah’s one too.
5. ASDJGNGFGKDKETNM
There is nothing worse than a break-up that hasn’t broken up anything. Unfortunately, the retention rate for break-ups has to be above 85%. To put that into perspective, fewer freshmen return to Mizzou for their sophomore year than exes return into each other’s pitifully horny arms after 4 drinks.
You cannot heal when confronted by the source of your pain every time you begin to feel it.
I understand that when things were good they were great. But, you don’t have to put up with an ex that only harkens to the past to create the illusion of a better future. You broke up for a reason. Don’t let that one time you got an Over-The-Pants-Handy in that one movie theater overshadow your ex’s infidelities, inability to communicate, overall inadequacy, etc.
Like I said before, break-ups are confusing. But, first and foremost, your post-break-up allegiance must be to yourself and not delusions of past grandeur. Love is a powerful thing, but we fail at it over and over again so that one-day we find it to be perfect. Your last relationship will not be your last relationship. Rather, it should be a springboard to something you’re better prepared for.
In time, it is perfectly fine to reconcile with an ex. But, you should never consider it a requirement. Rushing back into any form of relationship with someone you used to have intense feelings for can be catastrophic. I have scars to prove it. Like, no joke, you should see this one on my finger. It looks just like a smiley face. Kind of ironic, eh?
But, I digress.
In summary, losing someone you love is hard. But, that doesn’t mean that you lost what made someone fall in love with you, in the first place.
You are not your relationship.
You are you.
And for someone else, that will be more than enough.
The B****boii Update: They’re gone. Each and every single B****boii has died. Did I fail as a father? Perhaps. Did I have fun doing it? You betcha. Will I do it again? Depends on if the families press charges.
Next Week I Answer: You tell me.
Keep asking questions, gang! If it’s something that you’re afraid to share with anyone that possesses judgment, then it’s perfect for me!