For many men and women, Super Bowl season is a time to check the stats, prepare your arguments and don the gear of the team on which your money (or maybe half your meal swipes) rests.
However, if you’re anything like me, these early February football festivities feel like an oncoming slew of due dates and exams for a difficult class: I have no idea what I’m doing, and I do not have any desire to become well-versed on the given subject — or sport. As a result, I eat very nervously (good thing there will be some tasty game time food on hand). So to help my fellow ~super~ nervous readers, I have compiled a handy reference sheet for the dreaded exam: The Super Bowl Party.
“Across the middle”
What it actually means: When a guy passes the ball to another guy who is in the middle of the field.
What we wish it meant: When you slide ~across the middle~ of the brownie pan to steal that piece in the center.
“Blitz”
What it actually means: The defense somehow figures out what the offense plans to do, and they assign guys to tackle the other team based on said perceived plan.
What we wish it meant: When you strategically pile half the buffalo chicken dip on your plate in anticipation of its quick disappearance.
“Counter”
What it actually means: The guys who have the ball take it in a different direction than the other guys expect.
What we wish it meant: When, after being strategic with the buffalo chicken dip, you get called out and your friends attack your plate, and you are left with a tragically normal portion.
“Drag”
What it actually means: The guy with the ball runs down the field and, all of a sudden, runs sharply into the center of the field.
What we wish it meant: What one does to a lame commercial or halftime show. Synonymous with “roast” or “flame.”
“Eligible Receiver”
What it actually means: A guy who can touch the ball once it’s thrown over that one line on the field called the “line of scrimmage”.
What we wish it meant: Someone who doesn’t judge the bullsh*t you scream at the TV during the game (you’re really just copying something you heard your dad say once).
“Fantasy Football”
What it actually means: That weird game-thing all our friends play. “Dude, you going to the draft tonight?”
What we wish it meant: A team that consists entirely of Tom Bradys, Travis Kelces, and Eli Mannings. Don’t know them? Look them up to add some ~eye candy~ to your Super Bowl snacks.
“Gap”
What it actually means: The space between two guys who are about to run with the ball (the offense).
What we wish it meant: A brief two minutes in which a commercial that you’ve already seen is playing and you know you won’t miss anything so you can run into the kitchen and grab some more buffalo chicken dip.
“Hitch”
What is actually means: The guy who is going to catch the ball tricks the guy trying to chase him by stopping abruptly and pivoting, running in the other direction.
What we wish it meant: The answer to all of our matchmaking needs.
“Immaculate Reception”
What it really means: This is the name of an obnoxiously specific football game in 1972 where the Steelers made a comeback in the final 10 seconds of the game.
What we wish it meant: Following an afternoon that has transformed the fiber of your being into chips and dip, immaculate reception refers to the endurance to finish off the last of the puppy chow. A true comeback.
“Pumped and jacked”
What it really means: How Pete Carroll, who is the head coach for the Seattle Seahawks, described his can-do coaching attitude in 2011 according to this Sports Illustrated article.
What we wish it meant: Now that we’re well-equipped, how WE’RE feeling for the 2018 Super Bowl (Snacks / Commercials / Halftime shows)!!!!!!