Men. Our rivals, our counterparts, the ying to our yang. As women, we deal with a lot from the opposite sex. Unwelcomed body odors, lack of communication, “Lord of the Rings” movie marathons. Here it is ladies, we’ve settled with the fact that no, biologically we can not live without them, but we sure as hell can avoid the ones that we’d rather not have to live with. The countless phrases of “put that toilet seat down”, “Of course I care about your fantasy football team” and “No, the sniff-test does not count” are about to meet their maker.
As experienced young college women, we’ve see it all. The liar, the cheater, the mouth breather, the momma’s boy and the stage 5 clinger (See Kyle XY). Let’s just put them all in one category, a little one I’d like to call “The Undesirables”. You’d like to put these boys in their place, but are “too nice” to hurt their feelings, so you stick it out until you have an excuse to run far, far away (“Like, there just wasn’t a spark, you know?”).
Well never fear, Collegiettes. I’m here to save the day, and with a little inspiration from your fellow womankind and Kate Hudson, I’ve figured out just ”How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”.
Days 1-3, The Early Stages
“What’s your name again?” Yep, you’ve come down with it, a textbook case of Date-nesia. You don’t see the potential in this new guy, and frankly last night’s blacklight party stunted your judgment more than you’d care to admit. Essentially, he’s the fling that you’d rather not run into ever again, so naturally you avoid interaction at all costs. If it is necessary to confront him, do not panic, I repeat DO NOT PANIC. The usual look-at-the-phone-and-pretend-to-text move is ancient, and that security blanket is “so high school”, so you’ve got to come up with something better. Let me introduce you to Date-nesia’s sidekick: ignorance.
“Oh!, I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else!” or “Wow, I was with you last night?” It’s brutal, we’ll admit, but it gets the job done.
Make it Nasty
Desperate situations call for desperate measures. So, do what you’ve got to do. Get on his level. This one is open for interpretation. Nonchalantly slip in the pains of your one month visit from the womanhood fairy, or mention your recent discovery of lactose intolerance while you two grab a quick ice cream. Take notes from one of your fellow collegiettes; while at dinner with her man and another couple, she released the mother of all nasties: vomit. She shot and scored all over the table, her date’s lap, and the one camera that was supposed to document the evening. Bon Appetite? Let’s just say he didn’t order dessert.
Days 4-7, Should I stay or should I go?
My Hips Don’t Lie
Those hips are silent. Unmoving, just like your relationship with this new guy. You thought he was cute at first. Potential boyfriend material even? But then, after non-obsessively checking his rating on Lulu and your sorority’s GroupMe, you’ve discovered that he’s had more hook-ups then Al Capone, and you just “ain’t about that life.” So, what to do? That’s right, absolutely nothing. No responding to texts/emails/voicemails/inboxes, no “poking”, no casual snapchats, and absolutely no physical contact. He’ll get the hint and be out of your way in no time.
Unleash the Crazy
It’s in all of us. The little part of ourselves that normally we keep buried deep, deep inside where no male can ever find it. Normally, the only time that the crazy should ever come out is if:
1. You’re venting to your best friend,
2. It is justified by some serious offense,
3. You are about to meet Ryan Gosling,
4. You are about to meet Ryan Gosling’s abs.
Honestly, the crazy doesn’t come out that often, and when it does, there’s no going back. But, interaction with an “undesirable” completely falls under the “serious offense” category, so you may have to resort to your inner insanity. Real life situation #1: You go to catch a late dinner with your friends at Panera, and your guy asks to meet you there. This, my friends, is an opportunity. You proceed to march out into the parking lot and unleash the crazy, grilling him for every little flaw that you can think of. Complete with wild hand gestures and an elevated scream that has been perfected through the years by countless hours of sorority rush and door chants.
Days 8-10, It’s Now or Never
“I’m Still in Love with my Ex”
Classic. This baby is the golden ticket of one-liners that will definitely drive him away. Picture this: inviting your “guy” to semi-formal. After making it through happy hour and pictures, you become just obnoxious enough to be sent home before the bus even arrives. After a very anti-climatic evening, you whip out the one blurry cell-phone picture that you have of your summer fling from Australia, who you still daydream about on a regular basis. Real life-situation, ladies. Proven and tested. There is a positive correlation between your feelings for your ex and lack of second dates.
Finally: the kicker. Nothing sends a guy in the opposite direction faster than talking about your life together. Sure, you just met him 12 hours and 2 bad choices ago, but a girl can dream. How do you go about this “future” talk, you ask? Simple. Casually slip in to conversation your love of family. Then, expand on the topic; the number of kids you want, their names, his last name. HOLD UP. Go ahead and show him that Wedding board on Pinterest you’ve been working on since you were in the 7th grade. That’ll show him.
There it is, ladies. I have shared with you the wisdom of your fellow women campus-wide, so do with it what you will. I wish you the best of luck.
These are our tips on “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”, so what are yours? Leave them in the comment box below and stay tuned for our follow-up story, How NOT to Lose a Guy in 10 Days!
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