Friendship Break Up Follow-Up: Lessons I Learned

My friendship break up destroyed me. 

Nothing was ever the same after I lost that friend. It shattered my sense of self; it changed how I saw myself and others. For months I rode a rollercoaster of emotions, reliving the unfair, unanswered and unresolved moments on a loop. I never thought it would end. 

But I have disembarked. My feet are on solid ground once more and I have been rebuilding ever since. In this process of rebuilding, I have reflected on what this friendship breakup has brought me and it’s more than just pain—it’s perspective. 

My friendship breakup has taught me several lessons (at least five!) on what it means to be a friend, have friends and survive losing them. 

It’s a scar, not a scab

Friendship breakups shape you but they shouldn’t define you. At the time they feel like raw, open wounds but you have to let them heal. With time, wounds become scabs then scars and with time, scars fade. This can’t happen if you’re constantly picking at the pain, reopening the wound all over again to reflect on the situation. 

This doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel the emotions you have. Yet, too often what begins as a simple reflection falls quickly into obsessive overthinking on what went wrong and why. I’ve replayed hundreds of moments from my past friendship breakup over and over again in my mind, only to realize I’m even more confused and hurt than before. I started not to trust myself and my perception of reality. It didn’t help. 

So, try not to wallow in the pain. Tend to the wound but then let it heal. 

FRIENDSHIPS HAVE SEASONS.

Like the seasons, friendships change with time. Some friendships will stand the test of it, some will not. People come in and out of your life for many different reasons and each friendship serves its own purpose. 

Following my friendship breakup, I wondered why this friendship couldn’t be saved, especially considering we had been friends for so long. I had to realize that some friendships are unsalvageable because their time is up in your life. They have fulfilled their role and purpose and now they must leave, whether you want them to or not. 

I look back to the person I was when I met my former friend and realize she needed that person then. They were a friend for that period of my life but they were not meant to follow me into the next. Sometimes you’ll discover why they weren’t meant to do so, other times it won’t be as clear. Yet, you can still recognize all the positive and good moments of a friendship, despite its ending. 

EMPTY SPACES WILL BE FILLED.

You will not be alone forever. Pause. Read that again. Know it. The space left by a past friend will be filled in time with friendship you never thought were possible. I know this is true because I have experienced it. 

My former friend was a close friend, someone I had trusted and who I could be myself around. I thought that friendship was enough for me, so when I lost it, I felt empty and hollow. But then, something changed. With all this time, I realized I now had the time and space to focus on other friendships. When that friend moved out, others moved in, and now my house feels like a home.

I’ve also realized that I wasn’t exactly fulfilled by that friendship either. The friendships that replaced my former one are astronomically different. They have filled spaces in me I didn’t even know I had. The way I feel when I’m with them is something I never experienced with my last friend. 

This took time, but as you know by now, you will not be alone forever. 

NOT EVERYONE WILL UNDERSTAND IT, BUT THEY SHOULD RESPECT IT.

I have always felt like friendship breakups are the least understood. Family and romantic breakups receive more empathy and support than those between friends. I think this exists because some forget that the emotional connection between friends can be just as, or even more, strong than families and partners. Navigating that loss is just as difficult too. 

Don’t be surprised when people attempt to provide easy solutions to this hardship. Friendship breakups are the sort of events that sometimes require personal experience to fully understand them. True friends shouldn’t struggle with this, and if there are people who do, first remember your feelings and experiences are valid and remind those people that they need to respect them. You know what happened and that can be all you need. 

THIS IS A LEARNING PROCESS.

Friendships are learning experiences. From my last friendship, I discovered several insights about myself. I need to stand up for myself, address conflicts instead of avoid them, set boundaries and hold myself accountable for them. While these insights are not issues that are fixed overnight, they are areas I have realized I need to work on more, which I am doing in my friendships. 

Most importantly though, is that my friendship breakup taught me what being a good friend means. 

I could list hundreds of qualities but I think it all comes back to this: good friends want to be even better ones. If they fall short, they listen and actively work with you to resolve that. They open the door instead of closing it. 

My friendship break up destroyed me, for a while. While I have not come out unscathed, I have survived. All the lessons I have learned have not only led me to better friendships but made me a better friend. Life goes on, even when you and your past friend don’t. Let this be a sign of hope that you don’t have to ride the rollercoaster or live in ruin forever. 

• breakup
• college
• friendship
• friendship break up
• growth
• relationship
• survival