“When you know, you know.” What if you don’t?
It’s remarkable how a question so simple can be so hard to answer. Thankfully, it’s not impossible. You just need to know where to begin. After consulting with dozens of couples (and going on a date or two myself), I’ve found some of the most telling signs to know whether a new romance is right for you – or if it should wait. If you’re considering dipping your toes into the dating pool, here are some things to think about.
You might not be ready if…
1. You still feel strongly about your ex.
Before you can think about starting a new relationship, you need to evict the ex that’s been living rent-free in your mind. It wouldn’t be fair to your new partner to start dating while you’re still harboring feelings for someone else. Focus on yourself for now so that, when you make a connection with someone new, you can do so without anyone else holding you back.
Notice how I said strongly and not affectionately? Don’t think that hating your ex’s guts means that you don’t care about them anymore. There’s a fine line between love and hate. People who gripe about their former partner at every chance are often still hurting. Those who talk about their exes neutrally or positively tend to adjust better to singlehood, and they’re more open to letting someone new into their lives.
Still, having feelings for your ex is nothing to be ashamed of. There’s no magic formula to know when exactly you will get over a breakup. Emotions are strange things, and they don’t follow anyone’s timeline. It’s okay if it takes longer (or shorter) than expected to feel better. Sit with those feelings and accept them, but don’t let them consume your life. Channel that energy into your hobbies, passions and friendships. You will move on eventually. I promise.
2. You have unrealistic expectations.
If you have a list of must-haves and deal breakers a mile long, or if you think that a relationship will complete you, it’s time to reevaluate your romantic priorities. It’s good to know what you want in a potential partner, but the standards you hold them to should be reasonable. After all, nobody is perfect. Not even you!
A good way to know if your expectations are realistic is to write down a list of everything you desire in a partner. Now imagine…can you fulfill each of those traits? If not, think long and hard about why you value this trait and if you can reasonably expect it from a partner. Unless he’s been building his investment portfolio since the first day of kindergarten, your 20-year-old boyfriend isn’t going to be a multimillionaire. Then, organize the traits you desire from “absolutely necessary” to “would be nice to have.” It may be important to you that a partner shares your political views, but you wouldn’t get the ick just because they have messy handwriting. It’s not settling – it’s being fair.
Remember: you aren’t one half missing another. You’re already a whole, complete person on your own. A relationship can be a wonderful addition to your life, but it won’t fill a void. Appreciate the things that you already have instead of worrying about the one thing that you don’t. When you’re happy and thriving on your own, the right person will take notice.
3. The idea of dating freaks you out.
Guess what? Dating is supposed to be fun, not terrifying. Some healthy nerves surrounding the prospect of romance are perfectly normal. Who doesn’t get butterflies before a first date? However, if thinking about a new romance makes you want to crawl into a hole and hide, then don’t push the envelope. I knew I had to step back from dating when, after going on a great date, I had so much anxiety that it made me nauseous. The problem was that I liked the idea of a relationship, but deep down I knew I wasn’t in the right place to have one. I was still uncomfortable about sharing my time and life with someone new.
Maybe a relationship isn’t for you right now. Maybe you’re satisfied in your own company, healing from heartbreak, or you’re up to your ears in homework and wouldn’t have the time for it even if you wanted to. That’s okay! Don’t waste your singlehood wishing you were in a relationship. Dating can wait, and it will welcome you with open arms when you’re ready.
You might be ready if…
1. You can accept change.
It’s the only constant in life. While dating around and especially in a committed relationship, you will have to navigate the ways in which you and your partner are constantly growing and learning. It’s up to the two of you to continue to develop your relationship and adapt to the way it changes. Some relationships can end if one or both parties aren’t willing to accept that the person they fell in love with won’t always be the same as they once were. With all love comes the risk of heartbreak, but you can’t gain anything if you aren’t willing to risk anything. Even if it doesn’t work out, you aren’t really losing. You only gain experience.
2. You’re forming connections.
Romance is in the cards when you let people into your heart. Try striking up a conversation with the guy in front of you in line at Starbucks or the girl who sits next to you in class. Who knows what will happen? You could walk away with a date, or even a new friend (who will introduce you to their hot friends). Putting yourself out there will only strengthen those social and emotional skills required to have a fulfilling relationship. If that’s something that comes naturally to you, it’s only a matter of time before you meet someone truly special. If it doesn’t, the only way to get better is to practice!
3. You feel happy and secure with yourself.
This is by far the most important sign that you are ready for a relationship. When you’re secure in yourself, you feel prepared to handle conflict maturely. In a relationship, it is important that you effectively communicate your thoughts, desires and boundaries with your partner. You need to be able to take responsibility for your mistakes and apologize when you need to. You should always love yourself enough to walk away from a situation that isn’t serving you. If you’re generally happy with your life and who you are as a person, then you’ve set the stage for a new love to blossom.
A Final Word
College is the perfect time to learn about yourself, what you like and the values you hold. Whether you’re back in the saddle or flying solo for now, enjoy this stage of life that you’re in. Happy dating!