Far too often, we get stuck in a terrible rut after a breakup. Even if it was a mutual decision or it seemed to have ended on good terms, many people fall into deep patterns of guilt or regret. After a falling-out, it’s not uncommon to question just about everything. What did I do wrong? What would it be like if this never happened? Why can’t I just get over this stupid crap?
After my own experience in ending a relationship earlier this year, of course I felt this way for awhile. Even though it was my decision, and I was getting out of a relationship that truly needed to end, breakups are always hard to process. Immediately after it happened, I honestly wasn’t quite sure how I felt or how long it would take for me to feel “normal” again. It can be extremely difficult to know if you’re doing the right thing or healing in the right ways, especially when you really don’t want to talk to anyone about the whole thing.
It didn’t take just an hour, a week, or even a whole month for me to feel normal again. It came gradually, but eventually I found myself loving life again.
The details of our breakup are part of a whole different story. I won’t get into the nitty gritty here, that’s not the important part. What’s important is that a breakup – something that made me feel so weak, so disgusting at first – eventually came to be one of the greatest blessings in my life thus far.
The purpose of me expressing these feelings isn’t to reduce or dehumanize my ex. He’s not the point. The main thing I want to get at here is that believe it or not, it’s possible to bounce back from a breakup and be better off than ever before. It’s possible to have confidence that you’ve never imagined you would have. It’s possible to love yourself more outside of a relationship than in one.
I began doing the things I really loved again.
Not having that burden of a toxic relationship on my shoulders anymore, I began to really value “me-time.” I now had the chance to sit down with my thoughts and really enjoy what I was doing in life. Things that I once loved to do but had been pushed to the back of my mind while I was in the relationship came back to me so naturally. I made time for things like writing, exercising and going out with friends, and life became fun again. Simple as that.
I surrounded myself by people I truly valued.
Throughout my processing, I leaned on my friends and family for so much support. Though it wasn’t always actually talking it out that helped me, just being around people who I truly loved and cared about was one of my biggest healers. In addition to the people that already respected me, this breakup kicked me out of my comfort zone and forced me to make new friends; some of whom are my favorite people and my current roommates. It led me to meet some of the greatest people, and if I hadn’t gone through this hard time I probably would never be so close to them.
I made an effort to be kind to myself.
No longer were the days of blaming myself for every little thing that went wrong. Throughout the course of trying to feel like myself again, I realized that I was so much better than what my ex said about me and how he made me feel. Though it didn’t come to me right away, eventually I came to the realization that I’m worth so much more. No one should be with someone who doesn’t build them up and make them feel like their best self. Not only did I acknowledge this fact, but I forgave myself for the mistakes I made during the course of that relationship. There’s no way that I could put all of the blame on one person, and it’s important that I validated my decisions for ending it while still recognizing that I’m not perfect.
I took a more positive outlook on life in general.
Simply not having constant anxiety about my relationship opened the doors for me to change my entire perspective. This new optimistic view flowed into every area of my life. For one, I had more confidence in my school work and put so much more effort into what I was doing. The organization and drive that I have always had came back to me in full swing, and this focus eventually led me to where I’m at now, working hard, getting involved on campus and declaring a major in an area that I actually love. My positive outlook also extended into more personal things. I started dressing better, doing my hair and makeup more often, and I truly got excited about dating again. The thought of having a crush or going out with someone new was so foreign at this point, that I had forgotten how great it actually felt. Adopting a positive outlook was so vital in gaining the confidence that I now have. Of course, I realize that I’m young and there are definitely more breakups to come; that’s a given. And I’m sure that the rest of them may not leave me feeling this great. But for now, I’m happy and I know I’m exactly where I need to be. If you or a friend are going through a rough patch or you’re feeling real stuck in a rut due to a bad breakup, just know that things can get better than you ever imagined. It’s not something you can put a timer on. Healing seems to be wild and unpredictable. But trust me, you’ll know when you get there.