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Dear Ellie

Dear Ellie,
I’m a college girl, looking for love. I’ve been hurt by guys in the past, to the point where now I don’t trust any of them. It’s gotten so bad, that I can’t even recognize a nice guy from a jerk anymore. Thus, my problem. I met an adorable guy a few weekends ago and we really hit it off. My friends tell me that he’s ‘nice’ and everything does seem a lot simpler and easier with him already compared to other guys I’ve talked to and gotten to know. As a defense mechanism I’ve constructed to protect myself from being hurt again, I’m struggling to let myself be a little vulnerable and be open to the possibility of something with this new guy. I hate every guy that’s ever hurt me, and the guard they have caused me to put up, because I see that crazy mistrusting person they’ve driven me to be reflecting in some of my encounters with this new guy. Please Ellie, give me some advice on how to not mess things up with this new guy, and how to get over some of the bitter resentment I still have towards my exes.

-Mistrusting
 
Dear Mistrusting,
First off, I think it will be healthy for you to let go of the blame you have for your exes and guys that have hurt you in the past. Instead of blaming, hating, and resenting them, look at the situations in a more positive light, and appreciate how that pain and heartbreak has caused you to grow as a person, and hopefully has made you realize what you do (and don’t) want in a guy. I think if this new guy is as nice as he seems to be, perhaps being honest with him and telling him that you have been hurt in the past, and are afraid of being hurt again will help out your situation. That way, it will explain some of your “mistrusting” behavior and give him an opportunity to prove to you that he is genuinely a nice guy. My mother once told me that “you can’t worry about getting hurt, you will miss out on a lot in life if you are too worried to let things happen. Hurt happens, it is a cruel part of life that makes us stronger people.” I think this advice applies to your situation too! I hope that things work out for you, and that this guy turns out to be one of the good ones! Best of luck!
Love, Ellie

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