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Top That! Thoughts On Soft Serve

If you’re the type of person who loves waking up early and thinks walking on Legos is relaxing, then I’m guessing you’re also the type of person that lives to eat soft serve ice cream. Why do I say that? To me, soft serve ice cream is one of the nastiest, most unpleasant substances out there. I consider it as bad as waking up when it’s still dark, or experiencing the tear-summoning pain of rigid plastic annihilating the soles of my feet. Your jaw drops to the floor and your brow furrows as you try to defend soft serve to me as though it saved your life. Allow me the chance to tell me why you’re wrong.

First and foremost: any dessert that feels the need to be so decorative knows that it’s inherently flawed. This isn’t Cupcake Wars. I don’t need impeccable swirls for something that is going in my mouth. Dessert should be more about the flavor than the aesthetic. This brings me to my next point. Soft serve ice cream has no flavor to me. It tastes like spoiled milk, and to my insides, it has the same effect. (“Go no further!” you insist. And for that, I’ll oblige.)

Soft serve’s lack of flavor is not even assuaged by the fact that for the most part, it only comes in two flavors—or three, if you count the combination of the two. Depending on where you choose to indulge your sweet tooth, you’ll see something more unusual. Raspberry! Pumpkin! Orange! These, however, are rare, and unlike most other facets of society, soft serve has not been updated to include a more expansive range of options. You wouldn’t live your life being able to see two colors, so there is no good reason to live life with only two flavors. We deserve more!

The flavor wouldn’t be as intolerable if you could mask it with, say, quality toppings or a fresh, crispy cone. Yet the unpleasant soft serve strikes again, failing to appease the taste buds with an opportunity for improvement. Any soft serve cone I have ever eaten has been served on what is known as a “cake” cone. Reminiscent of Styrofoam it is, cake it is not. It is also not good for toppings. Sprinkles slide right off, and if they do, so would anything else. REAL ice cream has them already mixed in. I once had ice cream with bacon in it. Show me a soft serve that can top that. (Top? Get it?) Really, just show me a soft serve that ISN’T terrible. (You won’t!)

So, call me crazy if you must, or just call me the Nancy Reagan of soft serve. Why? Like the former first lady, I encourage you to just say no!


*All images courtesy of Giphy

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Mallory Chaney


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