An Open Letter to Brangelina

Dear Brangelina,

My how happy am I to be writing a letter to you about your current relationship update. I mean, if you actually made yourself a current resident of the US for a constant period of time I’m pretty certain you’d be considered a common law marriage. How long has it been since you two got together? Let me think, and IMDB quickly the initial production date of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. Let’s see, I was best friends with a fenemie at the time, so that’s freshman year of high school and IMdb says it was released in 2005. So if my horrible math skills, but excellent knowledge of pop culture are correct, you two have been together for  about 8 years. Wow, most people can’t make it a year, and not to mention you’ve produced and collected several nuggets and kept track of them over those 8 years. That is quite commendable. Now I am very happy for this engagement, but I do of course have some points I would like to raise. 
 
For the Children
Now anyone who knows me knows that I seriously love babies and children like it’s nobody’s business. Like I legit love it when a cute, fat nugget appears on my newsfeed, or when they update the Babies section of People.com I lose countless hours of my life. And Brad and Angelina, your brood is no different. I was there when Angelina adopted Maddox, I even have pins of the two of you being beautiful and adorable. Then you scooped up my girl Zahara from Ethiopia, and then once you came into the picture Brad, Pax joined the Jolie-Pitt clan. Then things got real serious, when the pregnant years came into play. First came Shiloh and then a few years later Vivian and Knox. I applaud you for your gorgeous children, but they needed this new engagement in their lives. Sure, they call you Mommy and Daddy, but children need stability in their lives. I am all for just living in sin forever, but what the heck you two, took ya long enough. I mean I’ve read countless quotes from the two of you where your children want you to get married, your children finally got what they wanted and I am very happy about this

Well Done, Brad
Mr. Pitt, I must say you did an outstanding job on that ring. Being one of the most gorgeous men in Hollywood, you should be doing big things for the equally gorgeous Angelina. But I come to find you have been designing this ring with jeweler, Robert Procop, for a year. A YEAR? Seriously there has been a lot going on in the world and engagements make people happy, gosh get it together and go to Neil Lane for all of us out here who want to see this marriage work. All in all I am really happy you designed something so thoughtful. At least you didn’t give her a vile of your blood to wear around her neck, and then ask for hers to wear around your own. You, my sexual friend, are beyond an upgrade and that ring just goes to show it.
 
Short or Long Engagement: Stay Tuned
Well let’s see, you’ve been together 8 years, parented 6 children together, travelled around the globe and have had so many accounts of PDA there is a flipping slideshow available on People.com and most likely on Perez Hilton. So I’m guessing this engagement will be on the long end, just from my listed observations. Well, if so, for shame Brad and Angelina. You can’t just get engaged and keep us on our toes forever. The last time the media had a wedding this huge to document, it was between Prince William and Kate Middleton. I mean people were up in the States at 4 am to watch a car circle around England for a good hour until there was even a glimpse of Kate in her dress. So you need to get on that wedding planning train fast, because I just compared your impending nuptials to royalty. So please make this engagement snappy, but also don’t make it private, but also don’t have a two-night E! special. You’re smart people, you can give us a reasonable amount of time. Oh and I want that Shiloh in a dress not a tuxedo, but if she wants to wear a tux I say right on girl.

What about Jen?
Now from the start of this affair, I have been mostly Team Joli, because I think you are an amazing individual who is beautiful on the inside in out. But then again at the time of this nonsense I was about 14 and thought to myself, “Brad and Angelina should be together they are like so gorgeous and aww Brad is like playing in the sand with Maddox!” Simultaneously I was like, “Move over Jen Aniston, he is through with you.” Now that I have matured, I am still supportive of you two, but I must say I am Team Aniston. Maybe it’s because I watched every episode of Friends and cried like a baby during Marley & Me. I don’t know what it is but I just love that lady, she’s funny, down-to-earth, and just lovely. So I’m just glad she is in a relationship and fabulous. Because if I were her and I was alone I’d be covered in empty Ben & Jerry’s pints, with unwashed hair and watching reruns of the Golden Girls while crying my life away hearing my ex was engaged to the homewrecker. However that is not the case and Jen is doing fine as you two are engaged. Please don’t invite her to the wedding, that is a douche move, even if you are friends.

Wedding Crashers
I hope you are aware that there will be people crashing your wedding forever so I advise you get married in secluded area. You may think that Ryan Seacrest won’t find you, but that man is like the KGB of celebrity news. Keep it on down low wherever your location may be, because otherwise E! News and Entertainment Tonight are going to send their helicopters like it’s a legit emergency. Are you friends with Johnny Depp? I advise asking him if you could borrow his island. Perhaps you should hire me as your wedding planner, you’d be free from wedding crashers of every variety. Except I guess you’re inviting George Clooney and Matt Damon, so you’re on your own with that nonsense.

All in all I am super excited for you two to get hitched. It’s going to be a good time. Brad please cut your hair, Meet Joe Black style, and Angelina get a dress that does not have a slit up to your thigh, we do not need an Oscar’s repeat on your wedding day. Congrats and thanks for reading.
 
Best of Luck Brangelina,
Kate Cramer

Photo Source:
www.usweekly.com