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The 8 Guys You Hook-up with at Miami

1. The “Yeah I’m in Farmer” Guy

– Expect sex the first night

– Only talks about his summer internship with Deloitte

– Wears a Comfort Colors shirt to the bars

– Pays the $6 cover to Brick with Daddy’s money

– Voted for Trump and isn’t ashamed to admit it

2. The “You Thought He Liked You But He Just Wanted Your Body” Guy

– You stay up into the wee hours of the morning talking about nothing but everything

– Says he’ll visit you over J-term (doesn’t)

– You go on late night runs to Pulley together

– Makes out with another girl at New in front of you

– Makes you feel psychotic for thinking it was more than a hook up

– Says “can we still be friends though?” but he never texts you back

3. The “Idk Guys, I Think He’s Gay” Guy

​- Dresses impeccably

– Compliments your top not your boobs

– Works at a Kofenya

– You actually enjoy spending time with him

– Expects a cooler and nothing else for his formal

4. The “Beer Goggles” Guy

– You only talk to him when your 1.5 trashcans in

– You don’t make eye contact when you see each other at King

– You know his drink order but not his major

– You’ve never seen his room with the lights on

5. The Loyal Follower Guy

– Helps you with your MBI 111 homework

– Has joked about kissing you under the arch, but is it really a joke???

– Takes care of you first (;

– Picks you up at another frat when you need to be walked home

– Comfortable but not exciting

6. The “Victory Lap” Guy

– He’s covering all the bases this time around

– Knows his time is limited, so gets straight to the point

– He’ll take you to Paesanos not Pulley

– Remembers when Shriver was the student center

– Has switched his major three times

7. The “Friends Who Make Out” Guy

– You have to check his insta before you text him to make sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend

– It’s okay to hook up on day four of your shaving schedule

– You can expect a high five afterwards

– You split the bill at QB

– You know he’ll never ask you to be his girlfriend and it’s probably better that way

8. The Second String Hockey Player

– Has VIP at Brick and is clearly underage

– Wears HIS jersey out

– Kicks you out early because he has practice at 8 a.m.

– Swears he’ll start next week

Mallory Hackett

Miami (OH) '20

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