How To Pick Up A Valentine

As we all know, Valentine’s Day is this weekend. How could anybody walk into Walmart without seeing oversized teddy bears and overpriced chocolates? You don’t need to spend yet another V-Day as “Single Awareness Day.” While you may be tempted to buy up some pints of Ben and Jerry’s and rent a few sappy movies, resist those urges and follow my advice. These tips will help you have someone to spend Saturday night with.

1. Find a Target

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You have a crush, don’t ya? That cute guy who sits two rows in front of you in your Psych class. Or the pretty girl with glasses who always sits in that comfy chair at the library every Wednesday night. Or possibly that guy with the swoopy hair who also picks up pizza from Papa Johns every Friday night. Whoever he or she is, you have to meet them somehow. So, once your target is spotted and you know how to contact him or her, proceed to the next step.

2. Amazing Pick-Up Lines

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Pick-up lines are definitely underrated. When using these, the user must know what kind of pick-up lines to say. There are quite a few different genres of pick-up lines: innocent ones, dirty ones, nerdy ones, religious ones, and cliché ones. Once you know what type of line to use with your specific audience, you are ready to put the line into action. So, stand up straight, keep your head high to avoid a double chin, and approach your target. You could even bump into him or her if you wanted to seem clumsy and needy. When you have his attention, look him in the eye and say your line. Here are a few to choose from:

            “Kiss me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Guadalupe?”

            “Are you religious? Because I’m the answer to all of your prayers!”

            “Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?”

            “Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m really feeling a connection!”

Once you say your awesome line, proceed on.

3. The Perfect Wink

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Immediately after you tell the guy your line, you need to keep him interested with a suggestive wink. If you fail to wink, he might think that you’re just trying to be friendly. Make sure you still have intense eye-contact with the man, scrunch your face up, and blink both eyes. A double wink is sooooo much hotter than just a one-eyed wink. When he realizes the intense passion between you guys in that moment, he will totally be willing to be your valentine. Then, proceed to step four.

4. Plan a Date

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After your pick-up line and wink, your intentions should be clear. You should then plan a cute Valentine’s Day date with your stud, at his place of course. You can plan the menu, bring it over to his house (after you stalk him enough to figure out where he lives), and cook it so he knows you’re totally wifey-material. If he pretends to be surprised that you invited yourself over, just laugh because guys can get pretty insecure when girls don’t laugh at their jokes. After dinner, you could go to the park or see a movie. You could even go get some coffee or meet his family!

5. The Driveby

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If all else fails, just spot your target walking down the road. Lean out the window as you drive by, and give him a love tap on the back of the head with a baseball bat. Toss him in your truck, and bring him back to your place for a lovely candlelit dinner and movie (The Notebook, duh). You kids have a great Valentine’s Day!