I believe there is a fundamental difference between change and growth.
Changing is altering your innate values and principles in order to fit some sort of mold, whether that be for yourself, or to please others. Growth, on the other hand, is becoming the best version of yourself through a series of contorting and often adverse life experiences. However, change has a negative connotation associated with it. We never want to change the people around us to fit what our idea of love is. Since love is far from black and white, everyone deserves to receive a type of love that fits their needs. Now, recent life events have sort of rattled my beliefs towards love.
I would never change who I am inherently for the sake of someone else. If I ever felt the need to, I would simply be present in a room that I don’t belong in. I would say my love is giving, soft, and most definitely quiet. Lavish excursions and loud promises are idyllic but often performative. I find that love often ensues subtlety, yet still robust enough to withstand all of life’s changes. Growth is a different story entirely. I like to say that first year me and fourth year me are different people, but that’s just not true. Maybe my baby face fading away and the fact that I’m pursuing a field I didn’t even know existed a year ago can be a tell-tale sign for change, but I really am the same person to my core. With that being said, I’ve grown in ways that only the power of time can teach you, yet funnily enough, only a single toe has been dipped into the waters of my 20’s.
People are only capable of growing through experiences and rejection. Learning about different cultures, talking to strangers, saying yes to every opportunity offered, and making your name known are all quintessential steps to broadening your perspective. Growing is not changing your mold, but expanding it to fit a wide range of views that can only be acquired through living. Receiving love is a rare and uniquely human experience, both platonic and romantic. Every ounce of love in my life has offered me more than just comfort and validation; it has taught me to value perspective and to give grace, both foundational principles for my type of love.
I’d say I’m a fairly self-assured person, and I am genuinely happy with who I choose to be everyday. Unfortunately, I’ve unintentionally placed my worth in the hands of other people, and I didn’t even realize I was doing so until it came down to facing my own insecurities. Let me explain. Your partner is a direct reflection of your own insecurities. From that, you have two options. You can face said insecurity, gain perspective from the other person’s point of view, and grow to become someone you and your partner are both happy with, for the sake of wanting that person in your life. On the contrary, you can conclude that the person your partner wants you to be does not fit your ideal mold and you don’t want to grow in that direction, thus ending that relationship. Notice how I preface both. If this ‘growth’ and changing certain patterns only benefits your partner, then you’re changing who you are, and that’s why it has a bad reputation. If, however, this change in behaviour is something that will benefit you, and will push you to flourish into a more authentic version of yourself, that is growth, and that is so incredibly important.
If we didn’t initiate difficult conversations on how certain acts of love do not serve us, we’d be stagnant and probably embody empty shells of human beings. I find this quite beautiful, how for the sake of love we are willing to leap fences of comfort and learn to love in a way that coincides with a partner’s. A contorting yin and yang if you will. I found myself in a bit of predicament pertaining to this. I strived to learn to become the best version of myself through somebody else, but in the end, the clay mold hardened and there was no more room for growth, it was just done. I spent quite some time ruminating on the why.
If somebody wanted something bad enough, they would make it work. But sometimes the mirror of insecurity is not a reflection that most are ready to face. Or said person does not see your mold as one they want to grow with, and that’s perfectly normal too. There is no right or wrong, there is simply preference, and everybody is entitled to their own. You have to be with somebody whose values and beliefs align with your own, so you don’t have to explain what’s obvious to you or justify your love. My love is quiet, and others’ are loud, and neither is better than the other, they are just different. And one day, you will find someone’s love that gracefully contrasts your own.
That being said, I’ve had the privilege of experiencing loves that are different from my own and they can work out. But pride cannot sit in between like a third-party, and most of the time, the potential of something great never flourishes because you speak so easily about everything except what matters. Yes, a cliché, but communication is the basis for every relationship in life. Nonetheless, I welcome my next opportunity for love, and plan to do so unapologetically. Otherwise, I’d carry the cost of every unsaid word and bank on the fact that one day, just maybe, things could have been different.