Dating in 2021 is hard. Pandemic aside, the gradual shift to online dating over the past few decades has brought with it a host of modern dating dilemmas. Thankfully, though dating might have changed since the 1980s, motherly advice hasn’t. While on the phone with my mom a few days ago, and after a brief explanation of what ghosting is and how one does it, my mom shared some interesting insight. My mother, in her infinite wisdom, revealed that you couldn’t ghost people 30 years ago. Not that you didn’t, but that you simply couldn’t – all communication happened over a landline and landlines didn’t have caller ID. If your phone rang you had to pick it up, and if you wanted to talk to someone you had to call. I’d bet that, like me, this is nothing similar to any of your experiences with romance. The new age of technology introduced a new era in the world of dating, and the advent of phones and dating apps has made the act of getting to know someone entirely impersonal.
How does it make it impersonal, you might ask? It allows us to avoid accountability. Things that wouldn’t be possible in person – avoiding a message, leaving someone on read – become a little bit too easy. Especially in the midst of a global pandemic, with phones as a social necessity, why isn’t our screen time spent being honest? If we spend the entirety of our day with our phones in our hands, why are we so afraid to use them? I believe that now, a time of genuine uncertainty, we should return to conscious methods of communication and active participation in our dating lives and leave ghosting in the past. We should personalize dating again – communicate disinterest rather than leave them guessing at our intentions. Ghosting is an avoidance technique that is upheld by the culture of internet dating. If our goal is to build genuine meaningful relationships, we must rethink the ways in which we date.
I will be the first to admit that in the world of ghosting, I am not innocent. Is it hypocritical of me to argue the abandonment of ghosting? In some ways, perhaps. Yet, I think it is necessary that we understand the circumstances in which we ghost. For many women, dating is dangerous and meeting up with a new partner (especially one met online) poses a legitimate safety risk. Unfortunately, dating apps don’t reveal how someone will deal with rejection and, as a woman, putting yourself out there increases the risk of assault or harassment. I know multiple women who have chosen to ghost for these reasons. This fear is a product of a harmful dating culture – one that values the commodification of women’s bodies, takes rejection personally and treats individuals as a disposable resource. If we begin to actually turn people down and be honest in our sentiments, perhaps we can begin resolving some of the flaws of modern dating.
That being said, I believe there are some circumstances in which ghosting is appropriate and can be a reasonable means of letting someone down. These circumstances including when you have: never met in person or made plans to meet, never received their phone number, and talked for less than two weeks. While these are clearly arbitrary, they are examples of circumstances in which there has been minimal commitment or time invested, and the other person is probably talking to other people or is equally unengaged. While a polite message of rejection could be sent, you don’t owe it to them.
The circumstances in which it is encouraged or where you definitely should send a message and express rejection are situations where there was evidence for more of a commitment, these include if you: made plans to meet, met in person (especially if you had more than one date), had sex, or shared long, engaging conversation and personal things about yourselves.
Knowing whether or not you should message someone will always be specific to your situation and ultimately up to your judgement, but always consider how you would feel in the other person’s position. Would you rather a message of rejection or to be ghosted? Would you want an explanation or would you be indifferent? Consider how you would feel in their position – consider their emotions – and make the act of rejecting them a personal one. Despite its necessity, rejection is a delicate matter and no matter how long or serious a “talking phase” is, we must still treat others with respect.
So how exactly do we let someone down nicely, while still being (gently) firm in our rejection? The best way to communicate to someone who you wish to stop talking to is through clear and concise writing. Being honest about how you feel will enable complete understanding; I think we all agree that being rejected honestly is preferable to being strung along through ghosting. Also, include a reason. The reasoning does not need to be detailed or emotional – in fact, the best explanation is often short, clear and honest. It can be as simple as ‘I do not see things between us going anywhere and feel it is best to end it now’ or can include circumstantial reasoning such as ‘due to COVID-19 I’m not comfortable meeting new people.’ It’s a simple shift in how we end relationships, but it makes a big difference.
I think we can all agree that talking stages or the early stages of a relationship can be the most confusing and difficult part of getting to know someone new. Yet, when things go south and these talking stages fail, it seems as though our ability to communicate with one another also fails. Ghosting is an exhausting means of ending a talking stage and with our phones in our hands all day, it is also pretty disrespectful. In 2021, let’s shift the culture in which we date – let’s normalize rejection and finally ghost ghosting.