The most loved I have ever felt was the day I got my heart broken by some boy.
At first glance, this might seem a little confusing, but I promise you, it is one of the truest statements I’ve ever written. Now, this is NOT an article about heartbreak, but as always, context matters. Last summer, I went through one of the worst kinds of breakups, the kind where you know it’s coming. I had spent hours fearing and imagining the worst. If I was a rock on the shore, my anxieties were a constant crashing of ocean waves: Am I being too much? What if I did something wrong? Is this my fault? For a while, I was able to manage and brave the storm. Eventually, though, as we all know slowly but surely, the waves wear the rock down.
I didn’t want to admit it to myself, much less to any of my friends, but I was drowning. I’m stubborn, and maybe I hang on to things too tightly, but I would’ve let these waves swallow me whole, pressing a life jacket into his hands while salt water filled my lungs if it meant being able to pretend everything was alright. But then there it was, that dreadful “we need to talk” text, and I knew reality had caught up with me.
At this point, I finally confessed to my friends the thread of worries and fears that had been building up for well over a month. The following 24 hours leading up to the actual break-up conversation were ones filled with anxiety, tears, and many panicked phone calls. And unbeknownst to me, my friends began preparing for the imminent fallout. But at this point in my life, the breakup details don’t really matter. For a while though, I romanticized the sadness and unfairness of it all, but I have since made peace and closed that chapter of my life. What matters now is the kindness, patience, and care I received from my support system that day and for many weeks afterwards.
What mattered was how they were there waiting for me to run into their arms, crying quite literally. How they sat with me patiently as in between snot-filled sobs, I relayed the entirety of the conversation. How my friends were gentle with me, gave me time to gather myself, and tried to make me smile as best they could. Also, how they continue to pour their love into me.
I am painfully aware of how cliché this all is: a girl finally realizes the importance and power of friendship after she gets her heart broken. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to take the love and support you have for granted when everything in life is going well. Especially when societal norms often dictate that a romantic partner ranks higher than our friends. It wasn’t until then that I realized just how essential these people had become in my life.
Okay, now begins the actual love letter part of this article. Since that day I have made it a point to show and tell these friends just how much they mean to me. This letter is another way for me to do exactly that. So, Chloe, Abby, and Angelica, I suspect that I will be eternally embarrassing you guys by writing this, so I apologize in advance. But at the same time, what use do people have for love if not to express it, deeply and unabashedly?
Dear Chloe, Abby, and Angelica,
Maybe I’m still young, and maybe I still haven’t had some ‘great romantic love story’, but you guys see me better than perhaps any romantic partner ever could. We talk about this often, but I am determined and excited to continue experiencing and sharing our lives together. In this life, I’ve learned I can’t live without a few things. But then there are things I desperately do not want to live without. Like the simple comfort of leaning my head on your shoulders and you on mine. The photographs we exchange when we are reminded of one another. Our linked arms and synched tears when our hearts feel heavy. Our shared playlists, love of music, and our sending of songs that we suspect will resonate with each other. Knowing when one of us starts to spiral the rest will keep them steady.
Perhaps writing a love letter to my friends on the internet is dramatic, but certainly I can be even more dramatic. I want to write sonnets out of you, out of your shimmering smiles and souls. My heart beats for you, and I’d crack open my ribs just to show you so. Somewhere in between, the bouncing echo of our laughter is a place I’d like to call home. You guys have shown me what it is to be loved. Your love, support, and presence continue to shape and strengthen me. Ustedes son mi media naranjas.
That is all to say, I desperately hope a couple of years down the line, I won’t have to remember you guys; instead, I will simply find you still by my side.
That is all to say, thank you and I love you.
With all of my love,
Cynthia