I was eight years old by the time you were gone. You left so soon. We didn’t get to experience everything we could together. You promised my mom to be the one to buy me my first car when I was 16. You wanted to teach me how to drive, to be the one to teach me a lot of things. But you couldn’t, because you weren’t here. Why did you have to go so soon? Why did God decide it was your time to leave? I’m trying to be okay with it, but I’m not sure how. It’s been 11 years, and every year gets harder and harder. I didn’t get to grieve as a child, so the more years that go by, the harder it is to accept.
Why did you have to leave? You were my best friend, the one I could go to if I was sad or mad. You knew just how to cheer me up. But that’s gone, ripped away from me. I didn’t know what to do with myself after you were gone. Do I continue living my life the way it was and act like you were never there? I could never do that. You made too much of an impact on me to let that happen. How was I going to continue?
You were 55 when you left. Why so young? And why away from home, away from me? If I had known the last time I was going to talk to you was the day you left, I would’ve called you every day. But I didn’t know how, Mom never got your number in time to call. And why did you have to go like that? Was no one there to help you? What happened? Was it preventable? You could still be here, but God had other plans for you.
My one wish was for you to see me graduate. I wanted you to watch me walk across that stage and I wanted to make you proud. But I was nine years too late. You had to go when I was eight. I just wanted to make you proud. I’m living my life knowing I never got to do that. It hurts. It kills me every day as something new happens that I know you would be proud. Is this my chance to tell you?
There are so many things I’ve accomplished that I know you would be proud of. I got my own radio show, I’m writing for a national magazine, I’m dating this guy you would really like, I actually have friends now and I’m actually doing okay. I would be doing a lot better if you were here, though. You would know just what to say to make things even better. You would make me laugh when no one else could, you would tell me about what’s going on in Arizona, you would’ve seen me graduate. There’s so much you’re missing, and I wish you were here to see it all happen.
I know there is a time for everything, but why this? Why so early in life? Why did God have to rip you away from me? What did I ever do to deserve this pain and hurt? There’s this question that people like to ask: “If you had to have dinner with one person, dead or alive, who would it be?” My answer is always you. Because if I ever got that chance to see you, hear you and hug you again, I would take that chance in a heartbeat. Everyone knows how much you mean to me. My first tattoo is for you, to remember all the times we had together, to keep you in my heart for the rest of my life, to have a piece of you with me no matter where I am.
I miss you as each day passes by. I’m not the only one though. I know Mom, Kim, Michelle, Mindy and Grandma miss you a lot. We all do. We all want you back here. We would all go back in time just to see you again. You have new grandkids, not just me and Alex anymore. You would love them just like you loved us. There are a lot more people that you would’ve loved to meet. Alex has a boyfriend who you would’ve loved. I have a boyfriend who you would love like he was your own grandson. You would’ve been happy to see I found someone who makes me happy.
I’m just happy that you are in a better place. You can watch over all of us instead of having to call. You are also back with your Granny, who I miss very much. I never met your dad, but I bet he was just like you. Every time I see a caterpillar, I know you’re there, watching over me like I know you always will. Please continue to do so, as I will continue to think about you.