Besides their clichéd, moralistic undertones, there are a handful of other perks to watching horror movies on Valentine’s Day. They’re good, wholesome fun — not to mention that they also facilitate those fearful, arm grasping, hair grabbing cuddles during the really gory, climactic scenes… which will probably lead to coitus with your partner! Here are some suggested movies that show just how much horror and romance go hand in hand.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974): Because nothing says “I love you” like watching a chainsaw-wielding, human-flesh-masked goon chase a bunch of hormonal, bellbottom clad teens because they were engaging in premarital sex. This film portrays a disturbing inversion of your “all American family” overwrought with testosterone and literalizing the erasure of femininity from society altogether. This film will surely make you grateful for your average romantic life and will make you rethink hooking up with your partner in abandoned mansions in middle America in order to revamp your fizzling sex life.
The Stepford Wives (1975): Because every man dreams of having a busty, robotic wife with a libido of a hyena and programmed, multi-pitched orgasms, and who will have sex with them on call. That being said, this movie is also awesome for its creative, independent, and ball crushing female protagonist, Joanna Eberhart. Staving off forced conversion by the men of Stepford, Joanna’s strength and courage not only expose the men’s selfishness and insecurities, but her character also highlights the unbearable social pressures women continuously face in their relationships even today.
The Shining (1980): I hope you weren’t planning a romantic Valentine weekend in a *possessed* cabin up north…
Halloween (1980): Because there’s no better mood killer than having your friend’s brother, who is covered in a white bed sheet, not only intrude on you and your partner copulating, but subsequently stabbing you both to death. I mean that’s just rude. And obviously the studious girl who isn’t getting laid is the only one to survive the Haddonfield massacre. Something tells me she not entirely winning here…
Ok, so the relationships in these films are certainly not archetypes of romance by any means, but they sure do make you appreciate your significant other, don’t they? At the very least, you can be grateful they were there during these blood-curdling, (yet awesome!) classics. Now go forward, and plan your Valentine’s day to include horror movies and love making while I gag between now and the 14th every time I hear couples say they “make love.”