I’ve often wondered as I held my tongue, “Why is what I want to say so scary?” What is the worst thing that could happen if I just set it free? I know I am not the only one who feels this way too. I’m sure you and probably everyone you know have held back from saying something out of fear of it being too revealing, too vulnerable. And so what? You’d feel exposed. That makes sense though. You might be sharing something that feels big, something you wouldn’t normally say in order to keep up appearances, to maintain your sense of stability or the status quo. Revealing these unstable thoughts might mean admitting to yourself that you don’t have it all “together,” but… what does that even mean?
Here’s the worst-case scenario: You might not get the response that you want from the other person, but at least you won’t feel that crushing weight on your chest from all the things you didn’t say. That latter pain is inevitable. It is hardwired into us biologically; humans are a social species. We need each other to survive properly, via material resources, communication and touch. When you open up to someone, you may feel like you’re putting yourself in a position of danger. You’re stepping into a situation where you’re out of control, because you can’t dictate their reaction. This lack of command is the basis of the anxiety we feel in self-disclosure. Also, as humans are so socially-dependent and inclined, it follows that we want to do whatever we can to maintain easy relationships. Sometimes this means holding back and precluding an uncomfortable conversation.
Sometimes, it really is the better option not to be so open, given the context, but that’s minutiae. Let’s consider you’re in a safe environment with someone you trust, and there’s something weighing on you that you want to say, but for some reason, you can’t. We don’t know how the other person will react, so instead, we choose the “easier” option of bottling up our feelings and risk them eating us alive.
Have you ever thought of how many songs and poems there are entitled “Everything I Didn’t Say” or something similar? We shouldn’t force ourselves to carry that extra baggage, like a snake refusing to molt its skin, becoming increasingly uncomfortable as we slither on. When we don’t vocalize how we are feeling, when we don’t address the existence and weight of our emotions, they don’t go anywhere. Ultimately, we are hurting ourselves. We are making it harder for ourselves to live freely in our desperate, isolating and let’s face it, useless attempt to protect ourselves from rejection.
Fear of honesty and self-disclosure is just that: fear. One of my favorite songs is “Happy” by Natasha Bedingfield, and in it, she sings “If fear is all that we should fear, then what are we so afraid of? ‘Cause fear is only in our heads.” Fear was meant for survival. Our parasympathetic nervous system gives us clues based on our environment to help us survive like we’re animals in the wild. Only, talking about your feelings is by no means tantamount to a cheetah’s day-in-the-life. The fear is disproportionate, yet it feels so paralyzing. It is real, but maybe it isn’t right. Consider this the next time it feels so scary to say what’s on your mind.
From experience, the day I said “fuck it,” and was more honest with where I was at, was the day that my relationships started to feel a lot closer and a lot more meaningful. It was like smashing that brick wall between us with a hammer. The other thing that happened was that I started to feel like I could take on a whole lot more. I’ll attribute that to the loss of the massive mental luggage, allowing me to carry more relevant things. Once you recognize that this fear was meant to protect you, but that it’s gone a bit overboard, you can start to feel empowered and better equipped to deal with emotions in your everyday life.
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