As I sat with this absurd Amazonian Clay Mask drying to my face and pulling out God knows what airplane residue was trapped in my pores from my flight earlier, Matt Lauer was calling Helen Mirren sexy. What a time to be alive.
It was the 2016 Golden Globes, and I spent most of the night hating myself for not having seen all of the movies or shows that were nominated (or won. Ugh. I’ll get to that.) Granted, I spend a solid 100 hours a week absorbing “prestige” content (plus 3 hours of The Bachelor), but even that is never enough. But before the awards nonsense, the red carpet! I will insert images of some of the über rich, famous, and freakishly good-looking that decided to show up in their borrowed designer garb, accompanied with my brief commentary here:
I will forgive you for this hiddy McQueen someone made you wear, Caitriona, because Outlander gives me life.
This dress brought to you by HBO.
Origami bedsheet + arm candy.
Slay.
Queen.
Best dressed.
Where to start… Sam is a flawless human, but that lady in the back has a life story that needs to be made into an HBO TV movie starring Helena Bonham Carter.
Okay, red carpet over and now for a Golden Globes ceremony with more shocking wins than I could have ever imagined. I plan on keeping this fairly brief and sporadic as I am still jetlagged, and I was too bored/annoyed by most of it to actually be happy for anyone. Let’s start the show! Ricky Gervais made fun of everyone, as one could have deduced. I am not sure when making fun of people became “edgy” comedy, but NBC sure milked that idea for all it was worth.
Jonah Hill put on a bear head and made suggestive remarks. Jane Fonda looked disgusted.
Kate Winslet won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture for her role as Laurene Powell Jobs in Steve Jobs, one of the countless things I have yet to see, but I am sure she was fantastic. Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series went to Maura Tierney,who killed it on this season of The Affair. Now I have seen that, so I was extremely happy for her.
Rachel Bloom was adorable accepting the award for Best Actress for her role in Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. The Hollywood Foreign Press often likes to reward newcomers (Gina Rodriguez won this last year), so I was not surprised. She seems delightful, as I am sure she is on the show, not that I have seen it. (I have seen all of Making A Murderer though, and that should at least count for something.)
Best Comedy Series went to Mozart in the Jungle. While I am all for Jason Schwartzman winning anything, this win stumped a lot of people. Most of Twitter was questioning what this show was. Many thought it was about Mozart in the jungle. It is not. I, right after they announced the nominees, casually watched it on Amazon Prime, and it is okay. Good for them, but Transparent really had a fantastic second season.
Wolfhall beat Fargo and AHS: Hotel for Best Limited Series. Again, I have yet to see it, but Damian Lewis is hot in a weird way and I have a penchant for loving things that only people old enough to collect Social Security would enjoy. The costumes look amazing, but I liked The Tudors too much to return back to King Henry VIII story lines that don’t involve gratuitous nudity. Anyway, on with the show!
Oscar Isaac won Best Actor in a Limited Series (or TV Movie) for HBO’s Show Me A Hero. I do not necessarily want to take credit for his win, however I adored him long before the internet decided to make him their collective boyfriend. He should win more things and be more places from now on.
Lady Gaga and Tom Ford presented to Christian Slater for Best Supporting Actor in his series Mr. Robot. I mean, Christian Slater is great, but I lost my breath at the sight of Ford and Gaga together on stage.
Jaime Foxx “hilariously” gave the award for Best Original Composer to Straight Outta Compton, but corrected himself to give it to Ennio Morricone for The Hateful Eight. I am a Tarantino defender, but I had so many problems with this movie except the score. It was really spectacular. Tarantino accepted on his behalf and told the HFP (Hollywood Foreign Press as the winners condescendingly refer to it) how great Ennio is and that he is his favorite composer of all time (“I am talking Beethoven, I am talking Mozart!”)
Jon Hamm. Best Actor for Mad Men. All is right in the world. Moving on!
I may be the only millennial female who is utterly done with Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence and this game that they play. It is not their fault. They are being themselves, and I appreciate that. It is society’s fault for finding them so “refreshing”. Unpopular opinion, but that’s why you love me.
Matt Damon, comedian extraodinaire that he is, won for Best Actor in a Comedy for The Martian. Getting caught in space is just hilarious to me, right, guys? (Christian Bale should have won. This is my unwarranted opinion.)
Inside Out, Best Animated Feature. Duh.
Ryan Gosling is insanely handsome, and sometimes, I think we forget that and need to reminded of it. See here:
Garnering a standing ovation from the now totally wasted crowd, Stylvester Stallone won for his reprisal of the role of Rocky in Creed. He seems like a very nice man, and I heard Creed was really fantastic.
Aaron Sorkin won for his screenplay for Steve Jobs, proving not for the first or last time tonight, that is great to be a middle-aged man telling stories about other middle-aged men!
I adore Aziz Ansari. I find him delightful, and although he was nominated for Best Actor in a Comedy, he sort of knew he was not going to win:
Plot twist. Tambor did not win, and it instead went to Gael García Bernal for Mozart in the Jungle. More tweets about people having no clue what that even is, but he was very sweet, so good for him!
Best Foreign Language Film went to Hungary for the first time for Son of Saul, which a first-person point-of-view of the Holocaust. I heard it is incredible, and I hope to see it come Oscar time.
Another shocker of the night came in the form of Lady Gaga’s win for Best Actress in a Limited Series for AHS: Hotel. I love Lady Gaga, I think she was gracious and lovely, but she did not deserve this. Kirsten Dunst all the way. Although, it was all worth it for this single moment as she made her way to the stage:
“Writing’s On the Wall” (Sam Smith), Best Original Song. Blah blah blah.
The new USA series Mr. Robot beat out typical shoe-in veteran Game of Thrones for Best Drama Series. I watched about half of this then got swept up in other things, but it is pretty good. Rami Malek is seriously perfect in his role, but I much preferred his brief cameo on Gilmore Girls (This is such a deep-cut that only hardcore fans will get it, but I do not care! This is America Canada!)
Tom Hanks presented his friend Denzel Washington the Cecil B. Demille lifetime achievement acting something or other award. Denzel brought his whole family on stage, but he forgot his speech and his glasses. Celebrities – they are just like us!
Best Director in a Motion Picture (Drama) went to the charming and delightful Alejandro G. Iñárritu for The Revanant. I actually saw this one, so I was thrilled!
While I do not watch Empire, I can never ignore Taraji P. Henson, who handed out cookies after she won Best Actress in a Drama Series. She is something else, and I love that.
Jennifer Lawrence, Joy, won for Best Actress in a Comedy. Once again, she is overpraised and overawarded for playing a role that should have gone to an actress 10-years her elder. But, that red Dior on her was amazing and I think it is unfortunate that her contract with the house is ending just as she is getting items better suited to her.
The Martian, everyone’s favorite and hilarious family comedy about a man abondoned in space, presumed to die, won for Best Comedy. That one was just a barrel of laughs.
The commercials for HBO’s new series Vinyl were the only thing keeping me awake at this point, but I sat through another 30 minutes for you. You are welcome. Brie Larson cinched Best Actress in a Drama for her role Room. That golden Calvin Klein dress was perfect. To win an award, you must become the award.
Another standing ovation went to Leo DiCaprio for The Revanant. He is probably my least-favourite actor, but we all knew this was coming. His role lacked emotional depth, but he won because he freezed his butt off in the snow for however long it took to film. Besides, there was nobody else in his category I felt deserved it quite as much. But, by these standards, every person at McGill should win a Golden Globe. He was gracious and charming and blah blah blah. At least he shaved.
Much to my chagrin, The Revanant won Best Motion Picture: Drama. (I loved it, but was slightly peeved. It was an incredible feat of film-making, but that does not mean it should be the best.) This means that Spotlight, Carol, and The Big Short all walked away with zero awards. Whatever, there’s always the Oscars. See you then.
Images obtained from: http://i.giphy.com/l3nW7u9OzbEIZDooU.gif, http://i.giphy.com/U1GZbyGTLO…