February… what a lame month. FYI, as someone that is newly single, I may come off as biased.
Is it normal for the month of love to freak me out? And after all, why does it? I have only been alone, “alone” being an extravagant word here, for a year now. Isn’t it enough of February 14ths filled with sparkles, love, laughs and dates?
Halfway through my episode of Sex and the City for the night, I decided to channel my inner Carrie Bradshaw and wondered, “is there ever a time that is enough for love? Is it solely my desire for comfort that is keeping me emotionally attached to a bond that once was? Will I ever stop asking myself these questions?” Not tonight. I decided to keep on writing for the night, and that’s when “Lonely people” by America (the band) comes on shuffle.
What awful timing…. Or is it?
Why is it that single people, aka me, make such a big deal about spending Valentine’s Day alone? Do people really get looked down on when spending that day by themselves? Or is this a lie that is only accurate in movies?
For someone that is new to this sphere, I have never thoroughly thought about it. A year ago, it was a no-brainer that Valentine’s Day had to be celebrated in a special way. After all, a six-year relationship gets more special over time. What isn’t there to celebrate?
For now, the constant fear of spending February 14 by myself hasn’t been what is haunting me, it’s the emptiness that comes with it. The feeling that a part of me is missing.
To battle off that unnecessary and out-of-place “loneliness”, I decided to celebrate myself. While I am still working on shifting my mindset, I am confident that there is more to life. There is more to life than having a partner by your side to make you feel worthy. There is more to life than clinging on to the person that walked out on you. There is more to life for you to feel “whole”.
As cliché as it sounds, love is celebrated every single day. Love is everywhere and anywhere. Love is felt when you wake up in a snowy city early in the morning (which is pretty common in our case). Love is there when you spend a night-in with your girlfriends talking about life. Love is celebrated with the presence of family, strangers, places and things. But most of all, what I have come to grasp and realize by this time, is that the most important and unique form of love one can ever experience is the one within you, the love you hold for yourself. This is the love you fight for, the love you sometimes have mixed feelings about and the love you otherwise wish to acquire.
At the end of the day, when I look in the mirror, there is me – “you”- in all my glory and heart. There is the “you” that is like no one you have ever set eyes on. The “you”, that despite the loss and heartbreaks, never fails to make it back on her/his feet.
During this ongoing process, I have slowly but surely learned how to “fake it ’till I make it”. As someone that has always managed to find comfort in my partner, it has been a bumpy journey. A journey filled with self-doubt, realization and constant learning about myself. But I now look forward to the journey.
Today, this month and every day, there is “you”, there is me, and showing up for yourself for the first time in a long time. There is you, and finding your own happiness.
Now that is something worth chasing. That is something to care about.