I recently moved into a new apartment at the beginning of the semester. I was excited to finally have my own space to entertain friends, study in quiet, and wear pajamas without feeling judged. Of course I expected some routine things involved when moving into an older apartment: a leaky faucet, questionable stains on the wall, and some creepy-crawly friends. However, I was not expecting my next door neighbour. There was something off-putting about him from the get-go, but I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what was so different about him. Now, after six weeks of observing and questioning his strange behaviors, I have finally figured it out. My neighbor is a vampire. As this revelation is bound to be met with some skepticism, I have compiled a definitive list of reasons supporting my claim. Believe it or not, here are the reasons why I know my neighbor is a vampire.
1. He has a six pack: How many vampires have you seen on TV or in movies that have had a six pack? ALL of them. My neighbor is no exception. He routinely shows it off while collecting his mail, shirtless. Only someone who has had all the time in the world to work out could have a physique like that.
2. He only goes out at nighttime: This is not an exaggeration. No matter what day of the week it is, you will only ever see him leave his apartment when it’s dark outside, and return just before dawn. No human being could stay up that long.
3. He drinks V8, or is it V8? My neighbor is always carrying around a clear bottle with some sort of thick red liquid in it. He claims that it’s V8. He claims that it’s part of his healthy living style. Twenty-year-olds don’t live healthy while in college. I highly doubt that it is merely V8 in that bottle.
4. He always brings girls home, but you never see them leave: Every other night I hear him bringing back some mildly intoxicated girl right before morning. The unusual thing is you never see the girls leave. It’s not too far-fetched to say that he likes midnight snacks.
5. He is obsessed with wearing dark colours and leather: Again, it’s a known fact that vampires prefer dark clothes and anything leather. I swear that my neighbour doesn’t own anything that isn’t a black t-shirt, black jeans, and a beat up leather jacket. He definitely plays up the bad boy image.
6. He is scared of garlic: I “accidently” left a clove of garlic hanging outside his door. I heard him loud and clear when he yelled “Who leaves garlic lying around?!” He wasn’t in a good mood for a week.
Simple coincidences? I think not. Whatever you believe, we can’t ignore the fact that the undead are living amongst us. The sooner we admit this truth the sooner we can begin protecting ourselves. I know I just purchased all of the seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a study guide. What are you doing?
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Image obtained from: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/00/S203_Spike.jpg