Nothing in my 20 years on this earth has brought me as much unbridled, if somewhat overwrought, excitement as The Young Pope. And yes, it is “the” pope who is young. Not just Young Pope. I plan on correcting people with the condescension of people who care about the frivolities of collegiate athletics and call it “The” Ohio State University. It’s like… calm down.
Well, anyways, my obsession began nearly 8 months ago, when I saw the initial trailer for Paolo Sorrentino’s HBO show about a pope, who also happens to be young.
That is the entire basis and premise for this show. That is genuinely it.
Having been exposed to Sorrentino’s work previously with La Grande Bellezza and Youth, I was beginning to understand his Fellini-esque filmmaking style and obsession with age. I adored, adored, adored Youth, particularly because I love Michael Caine and have got a real thing for movies about older people coming to terms with their mortality.
I am a lot of fun at parties.
I could barely think about anything else as images of the show became public, most of which featured Jude Law in a variety of papal vestments and fabulous hats. So many hats. The Internet was also fascinated by the sheer youngness of this pope, covering the web with a variety of memes (which Law was amused by! He’s just a regular guy!) This was my personal favourite:
I am not sure anything about Law’s current hair situation (that hairline, though) screams “young,” but being in your 40’s is young for a pope, I guess. On a positive note regarding his hair, he has this slight graying thing happening. I. Am. Here. For. It. A more appropriate title for the show may have been The Young-ish Pope, Who Is Also Hot. Also, I have come to realize that a large facet of my personal brand is just “thirst for older men.” I am just going to roll with that.
Sometimes I worry I get overinvested in things before I even experience them (see: La La Land. More like Blah Blah Bland. I really did not like La La Land.) However, The Young Pope did not disappoint.
*Spoilers ahead for the first two episodes of The Young Pope*
The premiere episode, which aired January 15 on HBO and was inventively entitled “First Episode,” began with a shot of Jude Law crawling out of a mountain of dead babies (I think they were anyways?). So yeah. It is certainly going for it.
To get into the nitty gritty, which is essentially any description of the show that is not just blathering on about the staggeringly low age of the pontiff, Law plays the newest pope, Lenny Belardo. He is not only young, but also the first American pope. He will only drink Cherry Coke Zero for breakfast and refuses to drink Italian coffee.
Lenny isn’t just a regular pope. He’s a cool pope!
Back to the dead baby mountain (what a phrase), we realize it was just a dream as Lenny awakens, startled. He gets up to go get ready to give his public address, and at the exact 3 and a half-minute mark, we get a great shot of Jude Law’s butt. I am living for that papal nudity. There is some slow-mo walking through very ornate rooms, with some synthy-piano score blaring in the background.
Then, a room full of wordless Vatican bishops and nuns all stare at Lenny before he steps out onto the balcony to address all the people in the square. He puts his arms out and the rain stops. He can control the weather.
“Ciao, Rome!” he bellows loudly to the crowd below, with the same American lilt I have when I try to be charming and say “Bonjour!” He starts to talk about being in harmony with God and life, blah blah blah. Then the camera does this insane zoom thing onto his face as he shouts, “We have forgotten to masturbate!” Three red-cloaked cardinals fall over in perfect unison, and all the other Vatican people are sprinting to stop this guy from talking about abortions being alright and having sex for fun. It was at this point when I uttered to myself, “Well, this is the best thing I’ve ever seen.”
But wait, this too was a dream! Double dreams. Anarchy, Mr. Sorrentino. So, he is the actual pope, but he has not given any such speech. We enter into the real world of Pope Pious XIII (Lenny) and see his majestic breakfast spread. It is here we learn that all he has in the morning is a Cherry Coke Zero. “I will wait here for my Cherry Coke Zero,” he states, which really makes me want a Cherry Coke Zero. (I sure hope Coke was getting some royalties from this.)
The dude helping him asked if he would care for just a diet Coke while he waited, and it is a this point when Lenny sighs, “Oh… Let’s not utter herecies.” I am screaming. What is this insane show?
Lenny is then introduced to this little old Italian lady who has been the chef for all the other popes; she’s adorable. Seeing how friendly and personable she was, Lenny was not having it. Friendly relationships are dangerous, according to him, so yeah. He makes this old lady cry.
Flash over to the old cardinals gabbing about how easily manipulated Lenny will be since he is so young. Whoa boy are they in for a shock. This guy is crazy. Did they not hear about this Coke Zero thing?
Lenny’s longtime mentor Cardinal Michael Spencer (James Cromwell) attempts to kill himself, as he was meant to be the pope before the other Cardinals conspired.
Lenny goes to confession; “I have no sins. My only sin is that my conscience does not accuse me of anything.” Good for him, though. I am what one calls a “lapsed Catholic,” and if there is one thing that never disappears as a Catholic, it’s the guilt.
He asks the priest, who he is taking confession from, to be his spy and tell him everything the other Cardinals and Bishops say in the confessional. He is the Frank Underwood of popes.
Diane Keaton then appears from the skies (in a helicopter. Of course she did not just appear out of thin air, though Diane Keaton does seem to possess some sort of magical qualities, so that conceptually is not out of the question.) As the wind from the helicopter hits Lenny, who is serving some major hat and papal robe porn, these two guys come out nowhere to readjust his cape. I wish I had two people following me around to fix my outfits when they get out of place by the bonkers Montreal wind.
Keaton plays Sister Mary, who was the nun who took care of Lenny from the age of 7 when his hippie parents dumped him at the orphanage.
Lenny walks Sister Mary around the Vatican and is werqing his hat, and some bright red Louboutin shoes. She warns him about the responsibility of the power he now possesses; how 1/5 of the world’s population will now be looking towards him. He sort of blows her off.
Now that he is the pope, he has to learn all the fun papal rules from Cardinal Angelo Voiello (Silvio Orlando). He tells Lenny about this little button under his desk he can press when he wants someone to leave, and someone will come in and make up a lie about why the meeting has to end. If only we all had one of those for everyday life interactions. No? Just me? Okay. Awkward human, party of me.
Lenny makes Voiello go get him a cup of American coffee. He wouldn’t dare drink Italian coffee. Blasphemy.
Lenny expresses the need for Sister Mary to be his assistant, but Voiello heeds caution, as both Lenny and Mary are deeply inexperienced at the Vatican. Well, the fledgling pontiff is not here for that. As Voiello yells at him for lighting up a cigarette, Lenny asks him who decides if smoking is allowed or not at the Vatican.
“The pope, of course.”
“There’s a new pope now.”
Drag. Him. For. Filth.
Lenny hits the button and Voiello is whisked away. Bye, girl. Lenny goes through the list of priorities of his papacy: fix the radio signal, find a place to store all the gifts he receives, get back the Papal tiara from the museum in DC, and ensure that Sister Mary keeps a watchful eye on Voiello. All reasonable things.
The episode ends with Lenny talking to his spy/confessional priest guy and deciding to partake in another confession. This time, he states he doesn’t even believe in God. When the priest is obviously like, “Are you for real?” Lenny assures him it is just a joke. What hilarity.
The next episode (“Second Episode.” Loving the creativity here, friends.) opens on a montage of all the cardinals getting ready to conquer their day at the Vatican, complete with one playing on his iPad and nuns playing soccer. This scene was scored with “Ava Maria.” This show is the amalgamation of perfection.
Voiello and Sofia (Cécile de France), who is charge of marketing at the Vatican, meet with Lenny to discuss a photo shoot and slapping his face on plates and key-chains. Sofia spends the first minute of the meeting staring longingly at Lenny before stating, “You are an extraordinarily handsome man.” Amen.
Sofia shares that she studied marketing at Harvard, to which Lenny retorts, “don’t sound so cocky” and that it is “a place in decline where you are taught to lower yourself.” Well, okay then.
He quickly leaves the room and returns with a plain white plate saying it is the only thing he will be okay with the Vatican selling. He is worth nothing next to Christ, so there is no reason to put any image on a plate. This is foolish, because it is a life goal of mine to have my face emblazoned onto a commemorative plate. Whatever.
So, he prompts Sofia to fire all the photographers. No pictures of him have ever been released, and that is not about to start now just because he is the pope who is young-ish. He wants to be an “invisible pope.”
My favourite part of this scene was when he began quizzing Sofia on the most important author, not the best, but the one that produced a “morbid curiosity” in society. According to Lenny, it’s Salinger; the most important film director is Kubrick; the most important contemporary artist is Banksy; the most important EDM group is Daft Punk. And why, pray tell, are they all the most important, according to Lenny? Because none of them allowed themselves to be seen or photographed. He compared himself to Daft Punk! He is so youthful!
He goes down to his massive gift basement thing that the Vatican set up for him. He sees a letter from a young boy, and says all the children’s letters must receive responses. Then, he lets a kangaroo out of its cage to roam freely around the grounds. A kangaroo. This show is bananas.
So, everyone is bugging Lenny about when he is going to make his public address to the people. During this, he is sitting in a white Juicy Couture-style terrycloth zip-up. (I think those are actually coming back in style? God help us.) Voiello wrote a draft of a speech, but Lenny is not having it. Sister Mary likes it, but as Lenny scoffs, “Did I ask for your opinion Sister Mary?” And the answer is: no. No, he did not.
Sister Mary shoots some hoops before going to talk to Lenny about his speech, as she pleads with him, he makes the demand that she refer to him as “Your Holiness” from that point on. He is blowing smoke rings and just being the young, hot pope he is. Also, everyone smokes so much on this show; it is like Mad Men, but as far as I’m concerned, Jon Hamm unfortunately does not make a guest appearance (obligatory Jon Hamm reference. © 2017 Gabrielle Lee Gabauer).
He goes to talk to his ex-mentor Spencer for help; Spencer refuses to help Lenny.
Lenny knows no one loves him, so he is rearing himself up for all the vile behaviour that is no doubt going to be hurled at him.
It is finally the big moment of his actual speech, not a dream one!
He demands that nobody see him, so he is just this ominous black shadow over the massive crowd. This time when he intones “what have we forgotten?” the response does not involve masturbating, but God. The people have forgotten God, and must be closer to God than one another. There is no room in the Church for free will or liberty.
Someone, wanting to see the new pope’s face, shines one of those annoying little laser things at him. He mutters, “you don’t deserve me,” and storms off the balcony as a lighting bolt strikes the Vatican and rain pours from the sky. It’s funny, because that is the exact same way I exit every social interaction I’ve ever had.
This show is a miracle that we did not know we needed. Some may find it too artistic for their tastes, but these are probably the same people who think they will impress me by saying they watch Game of Thrones. Sweetie, no. Everyone watches that.
Some may find it too “real.” Let me explain: the show centers around a demagogue ruler from the “outside” who has come to shake the establishment up, despite any real experience or understanding of how things operate. Further, he is probably faking being conservative to gain power and support.
I am buying everything this show is selling. It is trashy as hell, with shady characters gossiping (in great hats) behind locked doors. However, it is artistically ambitious and every shot is just insanely gorgeous to look at. I appreciate that this show knows what it is: to me, it feels like they are in on the joke of its absurdity. It does not walk around coated in self-importance like so many prestige dramas do (ahem, House of Cards). It is what it is. And what it is is more marvelous than I could ever have dreamt.
Happy watching! xx
The Young Pope airs on HBO every Sunday at 9 PM EST.